Ah Hollywood.
Books, songs, TV shows, remakes, theme park rides, video games.
When you have an original idea, every 5 years, it can be amazing, but in between we have to sit with this?
Disney's latest attempt to re-capture the Pirates magic sees Jerry Bruckheimer get a classic NES game of Prince Of Persia, and make it a 2 hour sword and sandals flick which, though billed as an epic, isn't because, well, it's not even 2 hours.
The plot, ha, for this film is as follows:
Young orphan kid throws apple he stole at guard whooping a kid, he is adopted by the king, and as the voiceover and title say at the same time, becomes "Title of the movie"
15 years later, adopted prince and two brothers approach a religious city, Ben Kingsley's uncle says attack, they do, and Princess 'beautiful', or bland, meh Gemma Arterton is taken, along with a dagger.
King is murdered, Gyllenhaal is to blame, but he didn't do it, he runs, Princess follows cos he has her dagger, which takes you back to before you miss-timed the jump and landed in painful fucking spikes.
She guards dagger, so she follows him, they have the Moonlighting both hate each other relationship.
Alfred Molina buys slaves, Arterton is traded, but they escape anyway for the sake of more action.
Jake's brothers go on the hunt, Jake puts 2 and 2 together and realises Gandhi ain't good, has to convince brothers.
Some temple attack, one brother dies, invasion of hometown, other brother dies, Kingsley makes Arterton die, they fight and then end up going back to the beginning of the film to stop the film from happening, 98 minutes too late. End.
So, what are we left with at the end of this film?
Well, besides titling it from a video game, it's actually just your generic stupid action chase film, with the idiotic will they won't they love story that no one cares about because no character is close to averagely written, the dialogue painfully cliched, and at no point does it ever try to bring anything new to the table.
The CGI is shoddy, as always, the action incomprehensible between the 500 cuts to another shaky cam image during an action sequence, the premise shaky at best, nothing works in this film except the brilliant Jake Gyllenhaal, who needs a better script to work on.
So, acting, what happened there? Ben Kingsley is wasted, just looking evil and trying his darndest with nothing on his plate, Gemma Arterton, well, why is she cast in anything? A complete bore, poor at acting, not beautiful and especially not interesting.
The brothers, one the addict from Rocknrolla, the other Geoff from Coupling, could have been good, if they had anything to do, Alfred Molina is completely wasted, just trying to make the poor 'jokes' work, all in all a poor group of wasted talents.
So, what are we left with after the sand has fallen? A big pile of generic crap made almost entirely in computers, with a massive budget and nothing to show for it, Prince Of Persia is a dull, lifeless, unambitious action film with nothing anyone will ever gain.
2/10
Sunday 9 May 2010
Friday 30 April 2010
My Summer Of Loath 2010
No niceties, let us begin:
Robin Hood
Ridley Scott Directing
Brian Hegeland Writing
Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Danny Huston, Scott Grimes, Mark Addy.
12th May
Ah, Ridley Scott. You know, I enjoyed Matchstick Men, Nic Cage was great, Sam Rockwell, well, he's Sam Rockwell, and Alison Lohman was good too. But. Well, American Gangster was alright, too long, of course, but what R. Scott film can't you say that about? Alien, meh, it's ok, Blade Runner, I bore through sometimes, it's not as amazing to me as, say, A Scanner Darkly or even the only good Spielberg flick in Minority Report, and as a sci-fi, it feels flat, tasteless, an amalgamation of ideas better worked out in countless other films. That said, the PC game was awesome.
But once more Ridley goes back in time with Body Of Lies, Gladiator, A Good Year, American Gangster star Russell Crowe to go fightin' round the world once more, this time in the time period of 1100's, in good ol' Nottingham Forest, so, that means Crowe is sportin' a northern accent, pet.
For some reason Cate Blanchett has decided to join in the, ahem, 'fun' as Maid Marian, who in the trailers sports the northern accent in a lower register than any male actor. Perhaps it's an early reinvention of The Crying Game. Well, given that it's Ridley Scott, there'll be lots of battle scenes, and of course extended periods of boredom, closing in at 2 hours 20 minutes for a film about a group of men throwing arrows at the taxman and Sheriff, well, I'd say I'll reserve judgement until I see it, but that'll be in 2012 when it's shown on TV. I don't think my mind can take such extravagant dullness.
Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time
21st May
Mike Newell Directing
Boaz Yakin
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard Writing
Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina
Donnie Darko, you know, the catcher in Brokeback, yeah, he's longened his hair and given himself some abs so he can play a Persian prince. Yeah, no, he's got an English accent because, well, Disney firmly believes that anyone who doesn't speak American must have English accents, it's the only other way an audience can comprehend what the people are saying whilst informing them these characters aren't American and don't believe in the lord almighty Obama or whatever Kool Aide cult is spreading this quarter.
I thought about it, I don't enjoy the trailers, the CGI is too hit and miss, though some shots look fine enough, and, well, it does look boring. As luck would have it, my thoughts of "I wouldn't pay to see this" were examined, and I will review it early, for free, next week, still, look at Gylly, I mean, seriously. What the hell? Good luck Disney, it'll never be another Pirates.
MacGruber
18th June
Jorma Taccone Directing
Will Forte, Jorma Taccone & John Solomon Writing
Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, Maya Rudolph, Powers Boothe, Chris Jericho, Bill Hader
This is more like it.
I'm a Forte adorer, I mean, he took time, but he totally won me over, dry, smiley, weird, hysterical. And Wiig too, the same thing, but now, I'm a Wiigist. Ryan Phillippe? Hells yeah, and what's that, Val Kilmer? Gay Perry? As a man named Dieter von Cunthe? Yeah, sure, Maya Rudolph, Bill Hader, Powers Boothe, they're, you know, nothing special. Except all are totally awesome too. Oh yes, and of course 1/3rd of the Lonely Island, Jorma Taccone is making his feature directorial debut here, he's especially awesome because he's just brilliant in everything he does too.
And it's R-rated? And it's a proper comedy with action and stuff? And it's got more chance to have smart jokes instead of one note pain as most SNL skit-turned-movies have? Count me in, way the fuck in.
Get Him To The Greek
25th June
Nicholas Stoller Writing & Directing
Russell Brand, Jonah Hill, Aziz Ansari, P. Diddy.
Remember when Forgetting Sarah Marshall came out? Suddenly there was a good non-Seth Rogen involved Apatow gang movie, don't mean to diss Walk Hard, but, well, it's not good enough next to this behemoth. So, when that film went over like mad, it seemed necessary to have some sort of sequel or spin-off, clearly. And with what turned out to be a non-annoying, in fact genuinely hilarious Russell Brand performance as Aldous Snow, famous lead singer of "Infant Sorrow" the notion of making him a central focus is lovely. Jonah Hill now plays a different character, but is forced to drag Aldous from London to LA, taking in a trip of a lifetime with him.
It's not going to change films as we perceive them, it's not in 3D, it hasn't got extensive CGI or action scenes, it's going to be 2 hours of what clearly the green AND red band trailers communicate as absolutely hysterical moments, an insane P. Diddy and some Aziz Ansari for all us Ansari fans out there, "Play it DJ Roomba!".
I honestly have this right next to MacGruber and 2 others as my ultimate must see films of this whole year. Action is for losers, quality prevails.
Shrek Forever After
2nd July
Mike Mitchell Directing
Josh Klausner and Darren Lemke Writing
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Jon Hamm, Jane Lynch, Kristen Schaal, Craig Robinson
Yeah. So. There's this. You know. If you hate yourself, your children, your family, your mind, anything you hate, dump 'em here. Go see How To Train Your Dragon, Dreamworks' integrity animation, before an unnecessary sequel done got fuckin' announced.
Edit, turns out the film has changed names to Shrek: The Final Chapter, not the only colon this film is involved with I'm sure.
Knight & Day
14th July
James Mangold Directing
Patrick O'Neill Writing
Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Peter Sarsgaard, Paul Dano, Viola Davis
Oh look, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are, like, there's a spy or something, she's, what, they say bridesmaid in the trailer. I think he's rogue or something. Yeah, but, they hate each other or like each other, there's guns and romance, I think there's romance, maybe there's no guns. Oh, and none of them are surnamed Knight or Day. Could Day have been Daye? Couldn't it have stuck with Untitled Tom Cruise Comedy? Why does James Mangold hate the cinema audiences?
Don't look to this film for answers, or, in fact, at all.
Inception
16th July
Christopher Nolan Writing & Directing
Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joeseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine
Ok, yeah, The Dark Knight was good, The Prestige amazing, Batman Begins perfect, Memento, I need to re-watch that, I can't remember what happened (Genuine and joke in one fell swoop), I saw Chris Nolan's short "Doodlebug" once, it was only 2 minutes, it was weird, freaky and very funny. I love it when he's off the leash, and I hope this is one of the same. But if it's not, well, the trailers don't really invite us to see what we're dealing with, approach with caution, then enjoy or endure.
Toy Story 3
23rd July
Lee Unkrich Directing
Michael Arndt Writing
Tom Hanks, Time Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles, John Ratzenberger, R. Lee Ermey, Wallace Shawn, michael Keaton, Whoopi Goldberg, Timothy Dalton, Kristen Schal, Jeff Garlin, Richard Kind, Estelle Harris
Look, Pixar, we know you're good. I mean, look at you, you've done great works. But this, alongside, what, Cars 2, Monsters Inc. 2, the cancellation of the genius idea that was Newt. You're going Dreamworks. No sequels, more original ideas, have another lunch chat, make another 15 years of film ideas. Please. Sorry Mr. Unkrich, this, well, the jokes in the trailers are bad, the new characters too many and not enough in the ideas stage, the plot, same old, nothing looks good about this. I'll happily apologise for saying this later, but this could be the biggest fuck up in Pixar history. How To Train Your Dragon for Best Animated Feature Oscar!
The Karate Kid
The A-Team
28th July
Harold Zwart Directing
Christopher Murphey Writing
Jackie Chan, Jayden Smith, Taraji P. Henson
Here's a coin flip. Two 80's giants, one weekend. One a remake of a classic, now the Kung Fu Kid, with Jackie "I'm aging too much to do good films" Chan as Pat Morita, and Will Smith's annoying fucking kid as Ralph Macchio, kid becomes strong kind of dreck. Meh.
Joe Carnahan Directing
Brian Bloom, Michael Brandt and Skip Woods Writing
Liam Neeson, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson
The other, Joe Carnahan's tale of epic destruction featuring a rag tag trio and a series of guns all loaded with blanks, titled Plane vs Tank, so called due to the trailer abused sequence where the plane is exploded, they parachute out in a tank and The A-Team shoot down a plane with a tank, well. Take the director of Smokin' Aces, let the lead from District 9 do an excellent southern states accent, give Liam Neeson a cigar, get a butch black man to spout lines and find the big named annoying pretty boy of the era, put them together and have 3/4 of the publicity shots be solely featuring the ugly and terrible at anything Jessica Biel, and you have a problem. But then you have the trailer.
I mean.
There's a plane and tank airfight, there's some abseiling down into a window where a rocket blew up to make your entrance, there's crazy shit going down. I'm fucking there. You might want to get in line too. If it's not good, it should be fun enough to be ok.
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
4th August
Brad Peyton Directing
Ron J. Friedman & Steve Benchich Writing
Alec Baldwin, Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Pantoliano, Roger Moore, Bette Midler, Jack McBrayer
Why?
Remember the first one?
Exactly, it was cack.
So.
Why?
Who?
3D?
No?
No.
No!
NOOOOooooooo........
Grown Ups
6th August
Dennis Dugan Directing
Adam Sandler & Fred Wolf Writing
Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Slama Hayek, Steve Buscemi, Maya Rudolph, Tim Meadows
Ok, this is totally rating dependent. It's not an R, alas, which, with Schneider, Sandler and Rock would have been awesome, but if it goes above the PG, it could be good. Kevin James is good in anything, he was the best bit, cos he tried, in Chuck and Larry, and David Spade is funny enough, Joe Dirt is a guilty little silly flick, all 5 are cool, so we have to hope it's funny, but, don't hold your breath.
The Last Airbender
Predators
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
13th August
Here's what Marti DeBergi once famously quoted as a "Shit Sandwich"
M. Night Shyamalan Writing & Directing
Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Randall Duk Kim, Dee Bradley Baker
Last Airbender, no Avatar cos Cameron stole the title, is Shyamalan's next film for his kids, Lady In The Water being the other one, which personally I love, I'm a Giamatti whore, yes, but it's the only entertaining and re-watchable film, even if it's cheesy, it's played for cheese pitch perfect, unlike the horrible The Happening.
The trailers looks boring, the graphics half hearted, storyline pure crap, I won't catch it, but it's not aimed for me.
Nimrod Antal Directing
Alex Litvak & Michael Finch Writing
Danny Trejo, Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Derek Mears
Then there's the Robert Rodriguez produced Predators. Adrien Brody pops into another genre with this sci-fi horror flick full of characters waiting to shoot at, then be ripped apart by, some Predators, in a jungle, whilst they fail to get to da choppa. The footage so far doesn't inspire confidence, but we have to hope it could be just fun enough to get through.
Jon Turtletaub Directing
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard and Matt Lopez Writing
Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
(No Poster Yet)
And finally this week we see Nic Cage as a wizard, and the awesome, funny, brilliant, adorable, lovely, genius Jay Baruchel as the titular Apprentice. This looks bad, I mean, Turtletaub gave us the National Treasure shit, but jeez. I heart Baruchel, he's my man crush, and when Cage is on, he's on, but once more he looks bored, and the CGI? Eugh. Stop with the CGI.
Dinner For Schmucks
The Expendables
Piranha 3D
Salt
20th August
Jay Roach Directing
Andy Borowitz, Ken Daurio, David Guion, Michael Handelman, Danielle Kasen, Cinco Paul, Francis Veber and Jon Vitti Writing
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Ron Livingston, Kristen Schaal
Ok. There's something here you know.
But before we get there, lets look at, sigh, Jay Roach's English Language remake of Le Diner De Cons, dinner For Schmucks, which I've dedicated a lot of time in a previous blog entry to.
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, I love you guys, but, if you have no one to bounce the crazy off of, or are playing a nice guy like Rudd does, it won't work, it's crazy but sweet meets mean but sensible, that's the chemistry, the rapport, the point of the play, the film, the comedy. Making it a haphazard PG-13 summer comedy just ruins the whole point.
Sylvester Stallone Directing
Sylvester Stallone and Dave Callaham Writing
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Terry Crewes
Anyway, lets move on to THE MOST AWESOMEST THING NOT JUST THIS SUMMER BUT LIKE EVER EVERER!!!!!!
Stallone. Statham (swoons). Li. Lundergren. Stone Cold. Crewes. Rourke. Willis. Roberts. Schwazenegger.
All of these people pop in to talk about, or actually, kill bad guys, or are bad guys who kill and get killed, as a team of awesome mercenaries, fronted by the effortlessly charismatic Statham and Stallone, lead their guntoting ways to South America to stop a dictator, live for nothing or die walking away from explosions, and jumping like back in the 80's.
Nothing will stop this film from sounding awesome, and one fears it might not come out well, but fuck it, if it doesn't, the trailer rules anyway, and, well, look at the freaking cast!
Alexandre Aja Directing
Alexandre Aja, Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfiner and Gregory Levasseur Writing
Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue, Eli Roth, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss
(No Poster Yet)
Then there's Piranha 3D, a tits and gore schlock horror full of gore as Alexandre Aja knows best, he's the guy who made The Hills Have Eyes remake and Mirrors. So, we have, in 3D no less, Ving "Zombie killing mother fucker" Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher "Where we're going, we don't need wetsuits" Lloyd! I mean, come on, the title alone wasn't enough? Now it's on the watch list, no? Hells yeah it is.
Phillip Noyce Directing
Kurt Wimmer and Brian Helgeland Writing
Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Then there's Salt. Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it, and Angelina Jolie isn't bad often, but, well, looks kinda bland. It's a we'll see flick.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
27th August
Edgar Wright Directing
Edgar Wright & Michael Bacall Writing
Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Anna Kendrick, Brandon Routh, Alison Pill, Jason Schwartzman, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza
Edgar Wright makes a comic book movie, with Chris Evans, Mae Whitman, Annhogg from Arrested Development, Anna Kendrick, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzmen among a slew of talented actors in what looks to be Wright fully loaded, the right budget, the right visual style, completely kinetic, engaging, fucking balls out insane, fun and entertaining, this will be THE PG-13 action film of the summer, A-Team can't get close to Mikey Cera fighting Superman and Johnny Storm.
The Other Guys
1st September
Adam McKay Directing
Adam McKay & Chris Hnechy Writing
Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan
Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson. A comedy about 2 detectives who aren't the top of their league, the ones who do paperwork, not stunts.
Like Cop Out, only it's guaranteed to be hysterical, comedy pedigree meets insane action.
Robin Hood
Ridley Scott Directing
Brian Hegeland Writing
Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Danny Huston, Scott Grimes, Mark Addy.
12th May
Ah, Ridley Scott. You know, I enjoyed Matchstick Men, Nic Cage was great, Sam Rockwell, well, he's Sam Rockwell, and Alison Lohman was good too. But. Well, American Gangster was alright, too long, of course, but what R. Scott film can't you say that about? Alien, meh, it's ok, Blade Runner, I bore through sometimes, it's not as amazing to me as, say, A Scanner Darkly or even the only good Spielberg flick in Minority Report, and as a sci-fi, it feels flat, tasteless, an amalgamation of ideas better worked out in countless other films. That said, the PC game was awesome.
But once more Ridley goes back in time with Body Of Lies, Gladiator, A Good Year, American Gangster star Russell Crowe to go fightin' round the world once more, this time in the time period of 1100's, in good ol' Nottingham Forest, so, that means Crowe is sportin' a northern accent, pet.
For some reason Cate Blanchett has decided to join in the, ahem, 'fun' as Maid Marian, who in the trailers sports the northern accent in a lower register than any male actor. Perhaps it's an early reinvention of The Crying Game. Well, given that it's Ridley Scott, there'll be lots of battle scenes, and of course extended periods of boredom, closing in at 2 hours 20 minutes for a film about a group of men throwing arrows at the taxman and Sheriff, well, I'd say I'll reserve judgement until I see it, but that'll be in 2012 when it's shown on TV. I don't think my mind can take such extravagant dullness.
Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time
21st May
Mike Newell Directing
Boaz Yakin
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard Writing
Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina
Donnie Darko, you know, the catcher in Brokeback, yeah, he's longened his hair and given himself some abs so he can play a Persian prince. Yeah, no, he's got an English accent because, well, Disney firmly believes that anyone who doesn't speak American must have English accents, it's the only other way an audience can comprehend what the people are saying whilst informing them these characters aren't American and don't believe in the lord almighty Obama or whatever Kool Aide cult is spreading this quarter.
I thought about it, I don't enjoy the trailers, the CGI is too hit and miss, though some shots look fine enough, and, well, it does look boring. As luck would have it, my thoughts of "I wouldn't pay to see this" were examined, and I will review it early, for free, next week, still, look at Gylly, I mean, seriously. What the hell? Good luck Disney, it'll never be another Pirates.
MacGruber
18th June
Jorma Taccone Directing
Will Forte, Jorma Taccone & John Solomon Writing
Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, Maya Rudolph, Powers Boothe, Chris Jericho, Bill Hader
This is more like it.
I'm a Forte adorer, I mean, he took time, but he totally won me over, dry, smiley, weird, hysterical. And Wiig too, the same thing, but now, I'm a Wiigist. Ryan Phillippe? Hells yeah, and what's that, Val Kilmer? Gay Perry? As a man named Dieter von Cunthe? Yeah, sure, Maya Rudolph, Bill Hader, Powers Boothe, they're, you know, nothing special. Except all are totally awesome too. Oh yes, and of course 1/3rd of the Lonely Island, Jorma Taccone is making his feature directorial debut here, he's especially awesome because he's just brilliant in everything he does too.
And it's R-rated? And it's a proper comedy with action and stuff? And it's got more chance to have smart jokes instead of one note pain as most SNL skit-turned-movies have? Count me in, way the fuck in.
Get Him To The Greek
25th June
Nicholas Stoller Writing & Directing
Russell Brand, Jonah Hill, Aziz Ansari, P. Diddy.
Remember when Forgetting Sarah Marshall came out? Suddenly there was a good non-Seth Rogen involved Apatow gang movie, don't mean to diss Walk Hard, but, well, it's not good enough next to this behemoth. So, when that film went over like mad, it seemed necessary to have some sort of sequel or spin-off, clearly. And with what turned out to be a non-annoying, in fact genuinely hilarious Russell Brand performance as Aldous Snow, famous lead singer of "Infant Sorrow" the notion of making him a central focus is lovely. Jonah Hill now plays a different character, but is forced to drag Aldous from London to LA, taking in a trip of a lifetime with him.
It's not going to change films as we perceive them, it's not in 3D, it hasn't got extensive CGI or action scenes, it's going to be 2 hours of what clearly the green AND red band trailers communicate as absolutely hysterical moments, an insane P. Diddy and some Aziz Ansari for all us Ansari fans out there, "Play it DJ Roomba!".
I honestly have this right next to MacGruber and 2 others as my ultimate must see films of this whole year. Action is for losers, quality prevails.
Shrek Forever After
2nd July
Mike Mitchell Directing
Josh Klausner and Darren Lemke Writing
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Jon Hamm, Jane Lynch, Kristen Schaal, Craig Robinson
Yeah. So. There's this. You know. If you hate yourself, your children, your family, your mind, anything you hate, dump 'em here. Go see How To Train Your Dragon, Dreamworks' integrity animation, before an unnecessary sequel done got fuckin' announced.
Edit, turns out the film has changed names to Shrek: The Final Chapter, not the only colon this film is involved with I'm sure.
Knight & Day
14th July
James Mangold Directing
Patrick O'Neill Writing
Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Peter Sarsgaard, Paul Dano, Viola Davis
Oh look, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are, like, there's a spy or something, she's, what, they say bridesmaid in the trailer. I think he's rogue or something. Yeah, but, they hate each other or like each other, there's guns and romance, I think there's romance, maybe there's no guns. Oh, and none of them are surnamed Knight or Day. Could Day have been Daye? Couldn't it have stuck with Untitled Tom Cruise Comedy? Why does James Mangold hate the cinema audiences?
Don't look to this film for answers, or, in fact, at all.
Inception
16th July
Christopher Nolan Writing & Directing
Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joeseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine
Ok, yeah, The Dark Knight was good, The Prestige amazing, Batman Begins perfect, Memento, I need to re-watch that, I can't remember what happened (Genuine and joke in one fell swoop), I saw Chris Nolan's short "Doodlebug" once, it was only 2 minutes, it was weird, freaky and very funny. I love it when he's off the leash, and I hope this is one of the same. But if it's not, well, the trailers don't really invite us to see what we're dealing with, approach with caution, then enjoy or endure.
Toy Story 3
23rd July
Lee Unkrich Directing
Michael Arndt Writing
Tom Hanks, Time Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles, John Ratzenberger, R. Lee Ermey, Wallace Shawn, michael Keaton, Whoopi Goldberg, Timothy Dalton, Kristen Schal, Jeff Garlin, Richard Kind, Estelle Harris
Look, Pixar, we know you're good. I mean, look at you, you've done great works. But this, alongside, what, Cars 2, Monsters Inc. 2, the cancellation of the genius idea that was Newt. You're going Dreamworks. No sequels, more original ideas, have another lunch chat, make another 15 years of film ideas. Please. Sorry Mr. Unkrich, this, well, the jokes in the trailers are bad, the new characters too many and not enough in the ideas stage, the plot, same old, nothing looks good about this. I'll happily apologise for saying this later, but this could be the biggest fuck up in Pixar history. How To Train Your Dragon for Best Animated Feature Oscar!
The Karate Kid
The A-Team
28th July
Harold Zwart Directing
Christopher Murphey Writing
Jackie Chan, Jayden Smith, Taraji P. Henson
Here's a coin flip. Two 80's giants, one weekend. One a remake of a classic, now the Kung Fu Kid, with Jackie "I'm aging too much to do good films" Chan as Pat Morita, and Will Smith's annoying fucking kid as Ralph Macchio, kid becomes strong kind of dreck. Meh.
Joe Carnahan Directing
Brian Bloom, Michael Brandt and Skip Woods Writing
Liam Neeson, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson
The other, Joe Carnahan's tale of epic destruction featuring a rag tag trio and a series of guns all loaded with blanks, titled Plane vs Tank, so called due to the trailer abused sequence where the plane is exploded, they parachute out in a tank and The A-Team shoot down a plane with a tank, well. Take the director of Smokin' Aces, let the lead from District 9 do an excellent southern states accent, give Liam Neeson a cigar, get a butch black man to spout lines and find the big named annoying pretty boy of the era, put them together and have 3/4 of the publicity shots be solely featuring the ugly and terrible at anything Jessica Biel, and you have a problem. But then you have the trailer.
I mean.
There's a plane and tank airfight, there's some abseiling down into a window where a rocket blew up to make your entrance, there's crazy shit going down. I'm fucking there. You might want to get in line too. If it's not good, it should be fun enough to be ok.
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
4th August
Brad Peyton Directing
Ron J. Friedman & Steve Benchich Writing
Alec Baldwin, Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Pantoliano, Roger Moore, Bette Midler, Jack McBrayer
Why?
Remember the first one?
Exactly, it was cack.
So.
Why?
Who?
3D?
No?
No.
No!
NOOOOooooooo........
Grown Ups
6th August
Dennis Dugan Directing
Adam Sandler & Fred Wolf Writing
Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Slama Hayek, Steve Buscemi, Maya Rudolph, Tim Meadows
Ok, this is totally rating dependent. It's not an R, alas, which, with Schneider, Sandler and Rock would have been awesome, but if it goes above the PG, it could be good. Kevin James is good in anything, he was the best bit, cos he tried, in Chuck and Larry, and David Spade is funny enough, Joe Dirt is a guilty little silly flick, all 5 are cool, so we have to hope it's funny, but, don't hold your breath.
The Last Airbender
Predators
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
13th August
Here's what Marti DeBergi once famously quoted as a "Shit Sandwich"
M. Night Shyamalan Writing & Directing
Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Randall Duk Kim, Dee Bradley Baker
Last Airbender, no Avatar cos Cameron stole the title, is Shyamalan's next film for his kids, Lady In The Water being the other one, which personally I love, I'm a Giamatti whore, yes, but it's the only entertaining and re-watchable film, even if it's cheesy, it's played for cheese pitch perfect, unlike the horrible The Happening.
The trailers looks boring, the graphics half hearted, storyline pure crap, I won't catch it, but it's not aimed for me.
Nimrod Antal Directing
Alex Litvak & Michael Finch Writing
Danny Trejo, Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Derek Mears
Then there's the Robert Rodriguez produced Predators. Adrien Brody pops into another genre with this sci-fi horror flick full of characters waiting to shoot at, then be ripped apart by, some Predators, in a jungle, whilst they fail to get to da choppa. The footage so far doesn't inspire confidence, but we have to hope it could be just fun enough to get through.
Jon Turtletaub Directing
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard and Matt Lopez Writing
Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
(No Poster Yet)
And finally this week we see Nic Cage as a wizard, and the awesome, funny, brilliant, adorable, lovely, genius Jay Baruchel as the titular Apprentice. This looks bad, I mean, Turtletaub gave us the National Treasure shit, but jeez. I heart Baruchel, he's my man crush, and when Cage is on, he's on, but once more he looks bored, and the CGI? Eugh. Stop with the CGI.
Dinner For Schmucks
The Expendables
Piranha 3D
Salt
20th August
Jay Roach Directing
Andy Borowitz, Ken Daurio, David Guion, Michael Handelman, Danielle Kasen, Cinco Paul, Francis Veber and Jon Vitti Writing
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Ron Livingston, Kristen Schaal
Ok. There's something here you know.
But before we get there, lets look at, sigh, Jay Roach's English Language remake of Le Diner De Cons, dinner For Schmucks, which I've dedicated a lot of time in a previous blog entry to.
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, I love you guys, but, if you have no one to bounce the crazy off of, or are playing a nice guy like Rudd does, it won't work, it's crazy but sweet meets mean but sensible, that's the chemistry, the rapport, the point of the play, the film, the comedy. Making it a haphazard PG-13 summer comedy just ruins the whole point.
Sylvester Stallone Directing
Sylvester Stallone and Dave Callaham Writing
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Terry Crewes
Anyway, lets move on to THE MOST AWESOMEST THING NOT JUST THIS SUMMER BUT LIKE EVER EVERER!!!!!!
Stallone. Statham (swoons). Li. Lundergren. Stone Cold. Crewes. Rourke. Willis. Roberts. Schwazenegger.
All of these people pop in to talk about, or actually, kill bad guys, or are bad guys who kill and get killed, as a team of awesome mercenaries, fronted by the effortlessly charismatic Statham and Stallone, lead their guntoting ways to South America to stop a dictator, live for nothing or die walking away from explosions, and jumping like back in the 80's.
Nothing will stop this film from sounding awesome, and one fears it might not come out well, but fuck it, if it doesn't, the trailer rules anyway, and, well, look at the freaking cast!
Alexandre Aja Directing
Alexandre Aja, Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfiner and Gregory Levasseur Writing
Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue, Eli Roth, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss
(No Poster Yet)
Then there's Piranha 3D, a tits and gore schlock horror full of gore as Alexandre Aja knows best, he's the guy who made The Hills Have Eyes remake and Mirrors. So, we have, in 3D no less, Ving "Zombie killing mother fucker" Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher "Where we're going, we don't need wetsuits" Lloyd! I mean, come on, the title alone wasn't enough? Now it's on the watch list, no? Hells yeah it is.
Phillip Noyce Directing
Kurt Wimmer and Brian Helgeland Writing
Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Then there's Salt. Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it, and Angelina Jolie isn't bad often, but, well, looks kinda bland. It's a we'll see flick.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
27th August
Edgar Wright Directing
Edgar Wright & Michael Bacall Writing
Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Anna Kendrick, Brandon Routh, Alison Pill, Jason Schwartzman, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza
Edgar Wright makes a comic book movie, with Chris Evans, Mae Whitman, Annhogg from Arrested Development, Anna Kendrick, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzmen among a slew of talented actors in what looks to be Wright fully loaded, the right budget, the right visual style, completely kinetic, engaging, fucking balls out insane, fun and entertaining, this will be THE PG-13 action film of the summer, A-Team can't get close to Mikey Cera fighting Superman and Johnny Storm.
The Other Guys
1st September
Adam McKay Directing
Adam McKay & Chris Hnechy Writing
Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan
Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson. A comedy about 2 detectives who aren't the top of their league, the ones who do paperwork, not stunts.
Like Cop Out, only it's guaranteed to be hysterical, comedy pedigree meets insane action.
Thursday 29 April 2010
iRon Mayan Too
And so summer begins, not with a bang, but with a whimper, in the sequel to the ridiculously big hit film Iron Man, which re-energised an already awesome Robert Downey Jr. with star appeal like no other and brought a fantastic, wealthy with character, quirk and intrigue Marvel hero, and his power suit, to the masses.
Unfortunately the film was rather boring, in between the moments where Downey got to be Downey, mostly lots of ad-libbed parts, it was a poor attempt at an origin story where the pacing was off, most of the characters were 1 dimensional at best, and the villain had less screen-time than a SHIELD agent who doesn't even do anything in any of these films, 4 hours of fuck all.
And somehow in the second part we have even less of a villain than Jeff Bridges, between the underused but brilliant Sam Rockwell as charismatic business rival Justin Hammer and Mickey Rourke's barely Russian Whiplash, who spends most of his time locked away looking at Rockwell, growling, then getting back to work, only to escape at the end for no reason other than to have another villain in a power suit fight. Yawn.
It isn't helped that Tony's second act motivations are SHIELD agent Clark Gregg is housesitting him as he has to find a power alternative or something his father will lead him to, his father who is dead from the smoking and whiskey consumption from his time on Mad Men, and Sam Jackson spends 5 minutes sitting around doing fuck all.
In fact, the only person who does anything in this film seems to be Jon Favreau. For some reason the director's small part in Iron Man became his best friend role in the sequel, Terrence Howard passed, Don Cheadle accepted, so he does nothing once more, clearly Favreau wanted Downey to have a buddy, so he decided "Hey, I act, why not" And let me tell you Mr. Favreau, there's about 5 million reasons why not, most of them end with "Cos you're a fucking shitty actor" sir.
For no reason he has not one, not two but three moments where he oogles at Scarlett Johanson, whose sole purpose in this film is to walk around busty and kick a few people. Great character motivation, did you workshop that when you were watching her undress Jon?
So, the rest, well, Paltrow is promoted, but her relationship with Tony is as two people who talk slightly, until a kiss at the end, there's no chemistry, there's nothing in fact, it's just two unlikeable people talking, and yes, Downey is unlikeable, dull, fast talking about nothing, useless in this. For a film about him, it doesn't focus much on him, has 5 strands to follow that are inconsequential, uninteresting and ultimately are forgotten when the CGI hits out.
The film would have worked better had it stopped being a Marvel advertises Captain America, The Avengers and Thor film (A painful Captain America shield cameo used as a gag), and became a film about Sam Rockwell and Downey Jr. as business rivals, leaving the metal on metal yawnfest for another film. A smart, Wall Street meets Changing Lanes, only funnier and lighter kind of film would have worked infinitely better than this mish mash from execs of what looks cool, where the characters should be, which, by the way, most of them act like the plot dictates, not as humans, and eventually the stupid 10 minute action fest that is as uninventive as it is undeserving.
Once again the CGI is average at best, metal looks plasticy, the disembodied faces of Cheadle, Downey and Rourke are weird, a moment were Rourke, as a cool guy, doesn't look as he walks from an explosion on the Monaco grand prix has two cars explode behind him, or, rather, him on a chroma keyed moment, where the cars are about 10 times his size, or closer than him, either way, physics lost that battle. Why oh why can't special effects look anywhere near as good as it did 10 years ago, when the characters become suits, it's painfully obvious it's not even close to practical, hell, the materials don't even reflect or react like they're in the same environment as the backdrop.
So, what's the basic premise? Well, Rourke's father was betrayed by Tony's father, and so the hatred runs through this child's life, in Moscow, so much so that the arc reactor template he design with Stark senior is implemented to fight Stark, once on the radar Rockwell buys his work so that at the Stark Expo, or weapons-fest New York, he can come in and prove that he's better than Tony. At a congressional hearing, by C-Span, whose graphics are on the CINEMA SCREEN for well over 2/3rds of the 10 minute scene, Gary Shandling quizzes the weaponry basis of Iron Man, and Stark embarrasses all nations and Hammer by showing he's the best.
And so, 2 hours later, there's a fight.
Oh yeah, and in the middle people talk and stuff, about nothing, building to nothing.
Can I say fuck more?
So, yeah, it's 2 hours with an Easter Egg about Thor's hammer in a crater in New Mexico at the end, not worth staying for, if, that is, you actually bothered buying a ticket for this dreck in the first place.
For a film so pent up on ADD craziness and had a mellow, joyful, if not at all memorable predecessor, it seems to want to be serious after some painful 'comic' moments, and the stupid robot arm things again, even JARVIS is only used to explain the plot, as most things are said 3-4 times so the kids watching, watching a PG-13, 13!, film can understand the intricate details of this bullshit.
You know, one thing that bugged me, in Minority Report they had screens to work with when using the touch screen flashy computer things, in Iron Man 2 Tony has the stuff projected around his workshop, projected on nothing, how does the image know when to stop? Someone? Anyone? Unobtanium?
Anyway, I divert back to my original point, I went in with really low expectations and hated it, this is Wolverine bad.
2/10 (Purely because Sam Rockwell and that swinging thing were entertaining to watch) ((That swinging thing isn't a way of saying Jon Favreau's belly))
Unfortunately the film was rather boring, in between the moments where Downey got to be Downey, mostly lots of ad-libbed parts, it was a poor attempt at an origin story where the pacing was off, most of the characters were 1 dimensional at best, and the villain had less screen-time than a SHIELD agent who doesn't even do anything in any of these films, 4 hours of fuck all.
And somehow in the second part we have even less of a villain than Jeff Bridges, between the underused but brilliant Sam Rockwell as charismatic business rival Justin Hammer and Mickey Rourke's barely Russian Whiplash, who spends most of his time locked away looking at Rockwell, growling, then getting back to work, only to escape at the end for no reason other than to have another villain in a power suit fight. Yawn.
It isn't helped that Tony's second act motivations are SHIELD agent Clark Gregg is housesitting him as he has to find a power alternative or something his father will lead him to, his father who is dead from the smoking and whiskey consumption from his time on Mad Men, and Sam Jackson spends 5 minutes sitting around doing fuck all.
In fact, the only person who does anything in this film seems to be Jon Favreau. For some reason the director's small part in Iron Man became his best friend role in the sequel, Terrence Howard passed, Don Cheadle accepted, so he does nothing once more, clearly Favreau wanted Downey to have a buddy, so he decided "Hey, I act, why not" And let me tell you Mr. Favreau, there's about 5 million reasons why not, most of them end with "Cos you're a fucking shitty actor" sir.
For no reason he has not one, not two but three moments where he oogles at Scarlett Johanson, whose sole purpose in this film is to walk around busty and kick a few people. Great character motivation, did you workshop that when you were watching her undress Jon?
So, the rest, well, Paltrow is promoted, but her relationship with Tony is as two people who talk slightly, until a kiss at the end, there's no chemistry, there's nothing in fact, it's just two unlikeable people talking, and yes, Downey is unlikeable, dull, fast talking about nothing, useless in this. For a film about him, it doesn't focus much on him, has 5 strands to follow that are inconsequential, uninteresting and ultimately are forgotten when the CGI hits out.
The film would have worked better had it stopped being a Marvel advertises Captain America, The Avengers and Thor film (A painful Captain America shield cameo used as a gag), and became a film about Sam Rockwell and Downey Jr. as business rivals, leaving the metal on metal yawnfest for another film. A smart, Wall Street meets Changing Lanes, only funnier and lighter kind of film would have worked infinitely better than this mish mash from execs of what looks cool, where the characters should be, which, by the way, most of them act like the plot dictates, not as humans, and eventually the stupid 10 minute action fest that is as uninventive as it is undeserving.
Once again the CGI is average at best, metal looks plasticy, the disembodied faces of Cheadle, Downey and Rourke are weird, a moment were Rourke, as a cool guy, doesn't look as he walks from an explosion on the Monaco grand prix has two cars explode behind him, or, rather, him on a chroma keyed moment, where the cars are about 10 times his size, or closer than him, either way, physics lost that battle. Why oh why can't special effects look anywhere near as good as it did 10 years ago, when the characters become suits, it's painfully obvious it's not even close to practical, hell, the materials don't even reflect or react like they're in the same environment as the backdrop.
So, what's the basic premise? Well, Rourke's father was betrayed by Tony's father, and so the hatred runs through this child's life, in Moscow, so much so that the arc reactor template he design with Stark senior is implemented to fight Stark, once on the radar Rockwell buys his work so that at the Stark Expo, or weapons-fest New York, he can come in and prove that he's better than Tony. At a congressional hearing, by C-Span, whose graphics are on the CINEMA SCREEN for well over 2/3rds of the 10 minute scene, Gary Shandling quizzes the weaponry basis of Iron Man, and Stark embarrasses all nations and Hammer by showing he's the best.
And so, 2 hours later, there's a fight.
Oh yeah, and in the middle people talk and stuff, about nothing, building to nothing.
Can I say fuck more?
So, yeah, it's 2 hours with an Easter Egg about Thor's hammer in a crater in New Mexico at the end, not worth staying for, if, that is, you actually bothered buying a ticket for this dreck in the first place.
For a film so pent up on ADD craziness and had a mellow, joyful, if not at all memorable predecessor, it seems to want to be serious after some painful 'comic' moments, and the stupid robot arm things again, even JARVIS is only used to explain the plot, as most things are said 3-4 times so the kids watching, watching a PG-13, 13!, film can understand the intricate details of this bullshit.
You know, one thing that bugged me, in Minority Report they had screens to work with when using the touch screen flashy computer things, in Iron Man 2 Tony has the stuff projected around his workshop, projected on nothing, how does the image know when to stop? Someone? Anyone? Unobtanium?
Anyway, I divert back to my original point, I went in with really low expectations and hated it, this is Wolverine bad.
2/10 (Purely because Sam Rockwell and that swinging thing were entertaining to watch) ((That swinging thing isn't a way of saying Jon Favreau's belly))
Monday 19 April 2010
Dear Shawn Levy, Why?
Alright, let me preface this with these facts:
Besides the Night At The Museum sequel, Shawn Levy is pure hack, and even then he did nothing special, he just had a better script than usual and a capable group of actors doing a sturdier job than in the original.
This was a free ticket.
This free ticket was for March 30th, but was pushed back 19 days because, well...
Because Date Night, starring Steve Carell as Steve Carell and Tina Fey as Tina Fey, with no straight character to bounce their insane overused and dull characteristics off of, is a big pile of shit. I mean, this is stuff that you don't just leave as soon as you smell, you call the government, have it closed down, rinsed out, checked for biological weaponry and then demolish and leave a gaping hole where the bathroom was once situated to avoid a further outbreak of shit.
There are a few things I never do in a cinema. Have my phone on and constantly check the time. Walk out of a film before the credits. Make noise by rustling food and fidgeting in my chair.
I try to, at the very least, make the experience pleasurable enough for the audience even if I hate it, I'll do my best not to ruin anyone else's time.
I broke these rules. By minute 15 I had turned on my phone, wondering why we hadn't seen a reel change yet, it felt like 30 minutes in. I then decided to give it 30 mins, which I pussied out on and gave it 1 hour, perfectly after James Franco, Mila Kunis and Mark Ruffalo were wasted on the film, Mark Wahlberg appeared, and I'm guessing comes back by the end because he's obviously a spy and is in the centre of the film's "comical" mistaken identity issue, only raised when the two loving married people break from their schedules, nice message, stuck in a rut? Better than doing something different each night and then getting in "hysterical" (Read shit, cheap, easy" situations and having guns aimed at you, without reacting like it's an uncommon thing.
I can't bare to even talk much about this dreck, I mean, there's talent here, not in the script or on the director's chair making lots of money for his hack self, but the cast is amazing, I mean, Taraji P. Henson, Common, Fichtner, Liotta! Why the fuck are they in this mess? Sure, there's some 'phat' cash, but jesus, have some fucking respect.
This is the reason I hate cinema, this kind of thing comes out constantly, is never good, NEVER good, wastes talent, time, money, and makes lots of money cos idiots love this shit. Why can't Hollywood go and die? Seriously, Fox, who when I saw their logo before it, was already raring to get to the door, is producing nothing but shit, rarely has, but there are gems, people loved Fight Club, and the Alien and Aliens flicks, why can't they be a bit more daring. Why can't any studio be more daring? Sure there's been a recession, but just because you're afraid to make something different and possibly challenging to an audience, don't pussy out and jump to the easy cash, dar to dream you cunts, dare to fucking dream.
This film is the nail in the coffin that makes me question cinema nowadays, it's safe to say I'm ready to turn my back on the art until we see some improvement in the constant quantity vastly larger than quality issue.
Go suck a fuck Hollywood.
Oh yeah, there was a film involved.
1/10
Besides the Night At The Museum sequel, Shawn Levy is pure hack, and even then he did nothing special, he just had a better script than usual and a capable group of actors doing a sturdier job than in the original.
This was a free ticket.
This free ticket was for March 30th, but was pushed back 19 days because, well...
Because Date Night, starring Steve Carell as Steve Carell and Tina Fey as Tina Fey, with no straight character to bounce their insane overused and dull characteristics off of, is a big pile of shit. I mean, this is stuff that you don't just leave as soon as you smell, you call the government, have it closed down, rinsed out, checked for biological weaponry and then demolish and leave a gaping hole where the bathroom was once situated to avoid a further outbreak of shit.
There are a few things I never do in a cinema. Have my phone on and constantly check the time. Walk out of a film before the credits. Make noise by rustling food and fidgeting in my chair.
I try to, at the very least, make the experience pleasurable enough for the audience even if I hate it, I'll do my best not to ruin anyone else's time.
I broke these rules. By minute 15 I had turned on my phone, wondering why we hadn't seen a reel change yet, it felt like 30 minutes in. I then decided to give it 30 mins, which I pussied out on and gave it 1 hour, perfectly after James Franco, Mila Kunis and Mark Ruffalo were wasted on the film, Mark Wahlberg appeared, and I'm guessing comes back by the end because he's obviously a spy and is in the centre of the film's "comical" mistaken identity issue, only raised when the two loving married people break from their schedules, nice message, stuck in a rut? Better than doing something different each night and then getting in "hysterical" (Read shit, cheap, easy" situations and having guns aimed at you, without reacting like it's an uncommon thing.
I can't bare to even talk much about this dreck, I mean, there's talent here, not in the script or on the director's chair making lots of money for his hack self, but the cast is amazing, I mean, Taraji P. Henson, Common, Fichtner, Liotta! Why the fuck are they in this mess? Sure, there's some 'phat' cash, but jesus, have some fucking respect.
This is the reason I hate cinema, this kind of thing comes out constantly, is never good, NEVER good, wastes talent, time, money, and makes lots of money cos idiots love this shit. Why can't Hollywood go and die? Seriously, Fox, who when I saw their logo before it, was already raring to get to the door, is producing nothing but shit, rarely has, but there are gems, people loved Fight Club, and the Alien and Aliens flicks, why can't they be a bit more daring. Why can't any studio be more daring? Sure there's been a recession, but just because you're afraid to make something different and possibly challenging to an audience, don't pussy out and jump to the easy cash, dar to dream you cunts, dare to fucking dream.
This film is the nail in the coffin that makes me question cinema nowadays, it's safe to say I'm ready to turn my back on the art until we see some improvement in the constant quantity vastly larger than quality issue.
Go suck a fuck Hollywood.
Oh yeah, there was a film involved.
1/10
Wednesday 14 April 2010
England's Worst Kept Secret
Earlier this morning I found myself awake in the wee hours, not sure if it was an attempt at excitement for the coming events, the early night preceding it or the sudden need for my mind to piss off my body and not let me get back to sleep, instead get up and sit through the worst Glee yet (See the TV blog).
But in the dying hours before my planned screening of Gervais and Merchant's film debut together, Cemetery Junction, I indulged in the Chris Martin, Ronnie Corbett Extras episode then realised, I hadn't seen The Office since we got the DVDs in, what, 2004, and before then only when they had first aired. So off I shot to my brother's room, he may have moved out, but his few DVDs retain close at hand, and I threw them in.
Yep, a few years in between and they still make you laugh, but it's the dramatic elements, the narratives cleverly underplayed in order to create real people on screen that Merch-Vais, as no one will ever call them, have done time and time again to such aplomb. Who'd have thought when Extras first aired, out of order, with Gervais' Andy Millman going up to a man who has seen such awful atrocities and trying to convince him to get a speaking role for M&S vouchers, that by the finale we loved this guy, we'd seen his highs and lows, mainly lows, but it wasn't the situations but the character that came out of it that we cared about, the detail in writing and performing is exquisite.
And yet, when it comes to secondary characters, they always have problems, sure they may know all the info on that other rival actor Millman faces, but they don't tell us anything, he's just there to annoy Andy three times a series and the bugger off, and yes, it's not like unnecessary explanations would fit the piece, but the way that it just feels they know the character, but don't care for them, the lack of heart and soul, which is worrying.
Case in point, Ewan MacIntosh's Keith from Accounting, the one who eats Scotch Eggs whilst being so dull in his Peak Practice conversations you want to kill yourself, he's also the DJ, I'm sure there's something there, but in the American Office the same character, now Kevin, is never given much plot lines, barely screen time often, but he's there, he has funny lines, and it feels like he's real enough to care about, and we can connect with him, as opposed to just being there. Sure they've had, what, a further 100 episodes to do this with, but come the second season, when they ditched the UK's plot and went freeform, they knew that these secondary characters needed to come out from hiding and become characters in their own right, not just entities formed to allow interaction to the main characters.
And as we now look to today's feature presentation of Cemetery Junction, I feel this is one of the key issues holding this film back.
A film set in the titular area, a place in Reading that the characters call horrible, slummish, and yet the beautiful cinematography makes it seem so lovely, calm, almost a holiday retreat, just with more factory workers.
The premise is these three young men in the summer of '73 finally coming of age, their lives, their loves, the choices they have to make, where to work, where to go, if they can ever, as is mentioned the whole way through, actually leave the almost prison-like Junction, to them at least, we see it through such a warm summer's glow, I swear I felt warmer in the cinema than when I left, and they had the AC on.
But, I digress, we have our three main characters, Freddie, a young, effortlessly charming man who finds his way into Ralph Fiennes' insurance salesman's office and scores a job, working under Matthew Goode (Who is genuinely good in this), and is embraced for trying to escape the Junction as Fiennes' character did before him, and he has no kind words for the place either.
Freddie's sole reason for the job is to avoid his father's (Gervais) place in the world, bare minimum, resigned to suffering for the family that abuse him anyway, and his only goals are house, marriage, kids, nothing amazing.
Then there's Snork, the chubby funny character, who is unlucky in love, and in anything, telling wonderfully dull anecdotes on bread, and having no idea that a punch-line with the word 'cunt' in it at a professional insurance ball isn't the best idea. Besides being a tad generic, he's sweet enough to get by and rather funny too.
Finally Bruce, angry as all hell, always getting into fights, shouting at his lazy father for never sticking up for his wife when she left him, solely getting out of jail because his father's friend is the chief, he's egotistical, scheming and endearing, presented as the kind of friend who does give a fuck, even if at times he gives too much, and the scenes with him and his father, masterful.
There's also Julie, Fred's old friend, conveniently Fiennes' daughter, fiance to Goode's character, all round off limits in anything but friendship, the kind of free spirited character who convinces him to change, to live life, yadda yadda yadda.
And, perhaps most interesting of all, Emily Watson as Fiennes' put upon wife, a woman who doesn't get noticed by anyone, gets no respect, and just suffers it, of course conveniently for the film she, like everyone else, changes on a dime for plot purposes, but for the most part she wonderfully underplays to perfection what could have been an overly sentimental role.
The film looks amazing, the music is, well, I'm gonna hunt down the score for sure, for it's runtime I was never bored, though a Merchant cameo was rather unnecessary, since it aimed a bit too broad for it's own good, but besides that, Cemetery Junction is a wonderful film, a coming of age in the dead are of England film that shows An Education how you do it without being, well, boring.
I suggest you go and see it, yes the trailer never seems to give much, but it's that which is most inviting, once you get inside the film, by the fifteenth minute, you're in for a magnificent little treat full of great ideas and dialogue, interesting characters, alongside some shoddier ones, some really powerful beats and some hysterically funny moments, it's well worth your time, and I for one will be catching it again happily.
9/10
But in the dying hours before my planned screening of Gervais and Merchant's film debut together, Cemetery Junction, I indulged in the Chris Martin, Ronnie Corbett Extras episode then realised, I hadn't seen The Office since we got the DVDs in, what, 2004, and before then only when they had first aired. So off I shot to my brother's room, he may have moved out, but his few DVDs retain close at hand, and I threw them in.
Yep, a few years in between and they still make you laugh, but it's the dramatic elements, the narratives cleverly underplayed in order to create real people on screen that Merch-Vais, as no one will ever call them, have done time and time again to such aplomb. Who'd have thought when Extras first aired, out of order, with Gervais' Andy Millman going up to a man who has seen such awful atrocities and trying to convince him to get a speaking role for M&S vouchers, that by the finale we loved this guy, we'd seen his highs and lows, mainly lows, but it wasn't the situations but the character that came out of it that we cared about, the detail in writing and performing is exquisite.
And yet, when it comes to secondary characters, they always have problems, sure they may know all the info on that other rival actor Millman faces, but they don't tell us anything, he's just there to annoy Andy three times a series and the bugger off, and yes, it's not like unnecessary explanations would fit the piece, but the way that it just feels they know the character, but don't care for them, the lack of heart and soul, which is worrying.
Case in point, Ewan MacIntosh's Keith from Accounting, the one who eats Scotch Eggs whilst being so dull in his Peak Practice conversations you want to kill yourself, he's also the DJ, I'm sure there's something there, but in the American Office the same character, now Kevin, is never given much plot lines, barely screen time often, but he's there, he has funny lines, and it feels like he's real enough to care about, and we can connect with him, as opposed to just being there. Sure they've had, what, a further 100 episodes to do this with, but come the second season, when they ditched the UK's plot and went freeform, they knew that these secondary characters needed to come out from hiding and become characters in their own right, not just entities formed to allow interaction to the main characters.
And as we now look to today's feature presentation of Cemetery Junction, I feel this is one of the key issues holding this film back.
A film set in the titular area, a place in Reading that the characters call horrible, slummish, and yet the beautiful cinematography makes it seem so lovely, calm, almost a holiday retreat, just with more factory workers.
The premise is these three young men in the summer of '73 finally coming of age, their lives, their loves, the choices they have to make, where to work, where to go, if they can ever, as is mentioned the whole way through, actually leave the almost prison-like Junction, to them at least, we see it through such a warm summer's glow, I swear I felt warmer in the cinema than when I left, and they had the AC on.
But, I digress, we have our three main characters, Freddie, a young, effortlessly charming man who finds his way into Ralph Fiennes' insurance salesman's office and scores a job, working under Matthew Goode (Who is genuinely good in this), and is embraced for trying to escape the Junction as Fiennes' character did before him, and he has no kind words for the place either.
Freddie's sole reason for the job is to avoid his father's (Gervais) place in the world, bare minimum, resigned to suffering for the family that abuse him anyway, and his only goals are house, marriage, kids, nothing amazing.
Then there's Snork, the chubby funny character, who is unlucky in love, and in anything, telling wonderfully dull anecdotes on bread, and having no idea that a punch-line with the word 'cunt' in it at a professional insurance ball isn't the best idea. Besides being a tad generic, he's sweet enough to get by and rather funny too.
Finally Bruce, angry as all hell, always getting into fights, shouting at his lazy father for never sticking up for his wife when she left him, solely getting out of jail because his father's friend is the chief, he's egotistical, scheming and endearing, presented as the kind of friend who does give a fuck, even if at times he gives too much, and the scenes with him and his father, masterful.
There's also Julie, Fred's old friend, conveniently Fiennes' daughter, fiance to Goode's character, all round off limits in anything but friendship, the kind of free spirited character who convinces him to change, to live life, yadda yadda yadda.
And, perhaps most interesting of all, Emily Watson as Fiennes' put upon wife, a woman who doesn't get noticed by anyone, gets no respect, and just suffers it, of course conveniently for the film she, like everyone else, changes on a dime for plot purposes, but for the most part she wonderfully underplays to perfection what could have been an overly sentimental role.
The film looks amazing, the music is, well, I'm gonna hunt down the score for sure, for it's runtime I was never bored, though a Merchant cameo was rather unnecessary, since it aimed a bit too broad for it's own good, but besides that, Cemetery Junction is a wonderful film, a coming of age in the dead are of England film that shows An Education how you do it without being, well, boring.
I suggest you go and see it, yes the trailer never seems to give much, but it's that which is most inviting, once you get inside the film, by the fifteenth minute, you're in for a magnificent little treat full of great ideas and dialogue, interesting characters, alongside some shoddier ones, some really powerful beats and some hysterically funny moments, it's well worth your time, and I for one will be catching it again happily.
9/10
Wednesday 7 April 2010
Movies For Schmucks
Ever since the wonderful BBC2 aired the French flick "Le Diner De Cons" (The Idiot Dinner) one day between 2001 and 2003, can't remember exactly, but it was late at night and me and my brother watched it during our late night foreign film binge, which was just that and the brilliantly nasty Das Experiment, We saw what remains to this day a fast, hysterical and brilliant film which was a character study of an immoral businessman who loses his wife over the idea of making fun on geeks, whilst the titular 'idiot' ends up looking after the man, who does his back in practicing golf swings for his next game with his bosses, and ends up being the really nice and sweet person as to try and help think of how to get his wife back.
It's brilliant and I suggest you pick it up, don't rent, give it your money because if you don't laugh once during it, you have no soul.
And yet when news of the American remake came about, the only worry I had was the title, Dinner For Schmucks, too obvious.
When they had Sacha Baron Cohen in the lead idiot role I was happy, he'd have done it well, I could imagine it, though from fat short man to ridiculously thin and tall would have been weird, it's the perfect remake idea, the complete opposite.
But now we have the final finished production, with Steve "YELLING ALL THE TIME" Carell as the idiot, and Paul "Sarcasm only works when you're the straight man not aiming for the funny all the time" Rudd as the sweet man who is FRCED to get an idiot, not willingly, just for a promotion...
Oh, and as you can see from the trailer, the meeting on the train becomes Paul running over Steve, and they actually end up at the dinner too, instead of it being clearly a theatre production turned into a hysterical film, it's just a mindless, soulless, humourless and offensiveless PG-13 slapstick event.
Sigh, I fucking hate Hollywood.
I believe Richard Kelly wrote it best in Southland Tales. "Just because it's loud doesn't mean it's funny"
It's brilliant and I suggest you pick it up, don't rent, give it your money because if you don't laugh once during it, you have no soul.
And yet when news of the American remake came about, the only worry I had was the title, Dinner For Schmucks, too obvious.
When they had Sacha Baron Cohen in the lead idiot role I was happy, he'd have done it well, I could imagine it, though from fat short man to ridiculously thin and tall would have been weird, it's the perfect remake idea, the complete opposite.
But now we have the final finished production, with Steve "YELLING ALL THE TIME" Carell as the idiot, and Paul "Sarcasm only works when you're the straight man not aiming for the funny all the time" Rudd as the sweet man who is FRCED to get an idiot, not willingly, just for a promotion...
Oh, and as you can see from the trailer, the meeting on the train becomes Paul running over Steve, and they actually end up at the dinner too, instead of it being clearly a theatre production turned into a hysterical film, it's just a mindless, soulless, humourless and offensiveless PG-13 slapstick event.
Sigh, I fucking hate Hollywood.
I believe Richard Kelly wrote it best in Southland Tales. "Just because it's loud doesn't mean it's funny"
Friday 2 April 2010
Clash Of The Shite-ans
Crass title aside, what can you really say about this much hyped, postponed for supposedly terrible 3Difying 'epic' starring robo-Worthington from Terminator 4 and Avatar, already a shite resume, and directed by Louis Leterrier (The Incredible Hulk, Transporter 2)?
Well, for one, it's 105 minutes long and has a plot that Percy Jackson did better with actual human characters, meaning development, emotion, engaging with the audience, oh, and, well, the modern setting helped add a bit of fresh life to the dying mythical epic breed.
Given 300's success in '07, it's not surprising to see Warner and Legendary Pictures once again shameless traverse the swords and sandals genre, in this case a remake of the 80's flick, which, cos it's an 80's flick, I've avoided like the plague. However, of course, the film 'subtly', and by that I mean shamelessly, reminisces on the original by having Worthington lift the mechanical owl out of a container, enquire about it, then put it back. Why? Because, like 30 Rock before it, this is humour and self-referential genius to these people.
Ok, I hate Worthington, but I was ready to let him warm the cockles of my awesome muscle given the credentials of the director, and the fact that Liam Neeson, Danny (One line) Huston and Ralph (I pronounce it Krah-Kin) Fiennes are gods in it, but the fact that we are offered comic relief characters for no reason, painful dialogue, and lots of it, 3-4 action scene with abhorrent CGI, like half rendered crap, and the editing and directing style of someone having a seizure (No offense, but lets face it, big budget movies CAN afford a fucking tri-pod, and shaky cam isn't realistic, it's annoying, I paid my money, I want to see everything, clearly, with the only camera movements being akin to a ballet with the characters)
It's an overlong short action film that bores the senses and abuses the audience with shoddy attempts at action, a plot so mind-numbing it's impossible to enjoy, and any good actor, Huston, Pete Postelthwaite, are killed off early or ignored in any scene whatsoever.
A completely useless film we've seen time and time again, better before too. Avoid. Avoid like it's The Jonas Brothers.
1/10
Well, for one, it's 105 minutes long and has a plot that Percy Jackson did better with actual human characters, meaning development, emotion, engaging with the audience, oh, and, well, the modern setting helped add a bit of fresh life to the dying mythical epic breed.
Given 300's success in '07, it's not surprising to see Warner and Legendary Pictures once again shameless traverse the swords and sandals genre, in this case a remake of the 80's flick, which, cos it's an 80's flick, I've avoided like the plague. However, of course, the film 'subtly', and by that I mean shamelessly, reminisces on the original by having Worthington lift the mechanical owl out of a container, enquire about it, then put it back. Why? Because, like 30 Rock before it, this is humour and self-referential genius to these people.
Ok, I hate Worthington, but I was ready to let him warm the cockles of my awesome muscle given the credentials of the director, and the fact that Liam Neeson, Danny (One line) Huston and Ralph (I pronounce it Krah-Kin) Fiennes are gods in it, but the fact that we are offered comic relief characters for no reason, painful dialogue, and lots of it, 3-4 action scene with abhorrent CGI, like half rendered crap, and the editing and directing style of someone having a seizure (No offense, but lets face it, big budget movies CAN afford a fucking tri-pod, and shaky cam isn't realistic, it's annoying, I paid my money, I want to see everything, clearly, with the only camera movements being akin to a ballet with the characters)
It's an overlong short action film that bores the senses and abuses the audience with shoddy attempts at action, a plot so mind-numbing it's impossible to enjoy, and any good actor, Huston, Pete Postelthwaite, are killed off early or ignored in any scene whatsoever.
A completely useless film we've seen time and time again, better before too. Avoid. Avoid like it's The Jonas Brothers.
1/10
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