Snickadee Snickadee Wolverine Missadee

Yes, you all know now the workprint of Fox's new Marvel flick Wolverine, or, like X2, it's retardedly long, but this time actual title, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, because without that we thought it'd be a Red Dawn sequel, was leaked online Tuesday some time, and there's a lot of mumblings over how bad it is that a film this big can be leaked so early, and if you're thinking, erm, should I, shouldn't I? Well, this review aims to put a lot of that to rest, but also, remember, it's Fox, they Ratnered X3, They Fucked up Fantastic Four, cancelled Firefly, Futurama, Drive, Family Guy during it's good years, made AvP and AvP:R, Dragonball, Street Fighter thingy this year, and a series of the worst of the worst, lowest ebb films for a long time.

Now, lets even the playing fields.

This studio gave us Star Wars, and four subsequent brilliant films, and a Jar Jar one, and a CGI horror.
They gave us Alien, and Aliens, and two more Aliens, Fight Club, Predator, Die Hard's 1-3, they gave X-Files a second chance, with a solid film, Office Space, Daredevil and many more.
They have done some amazing films, shows, everything.
But they are ruled by the most retarded people in history, oh, plot holes? How about an explosion? Hmm, no character development, can we show some nipple? What do you mean we can't afford a score, throw in some hip-hop, yeah, so what if Edison wasn't a rap guy, was he racist? Oh, well, who cares, sell us some CDs bitch!

So, in 2000 Bryan Singer gave the World a PG-13 Superhero film to write home about, smart, effective, exciting, well made, a classic film for our times, then in 2003 he produced a sequel that was simply put perfect. More mutants, more story, but it never felt too much, it was perfect, nothing less. Of course nothing could beat it, but the preparations for a Brett Ratner X-Men were hard, and Singer's career hasn't hit highs such as these since. Ratner, god love him for Rush Hour films and After The Sunset, had to follow perfection, and he failed, however he certainly tried, similar aesthetics, with his spin, and some cool moments, with some dire story points and unnecessary character additions.

I love the first two, and X3 is a guilty pleasure for an action flick, but one thing was missing from the X-Men. That's right, Jubilee! Yes, the fireworks mutant... No, I jest, Gambit is what I'm on about, and finally we see him on a film, here, and guess what? He's limited to nothingness and a side-kick in a film about a man who has had three separate movies so far, and this film is full of side-characters, Ryan Reynolds' 3 mins of screen-time, Liev Schreiber's Defiance character channeling Sabertooth. Danny Huston gives a lot for a popcorn film as Stryker, but there's no way this guy becomes Brian Cox.

Hugh Jackman is alright as the title character, time and time again he's done it well, but this year's Oscars have not helped him retain such a hard man image, the guy is talented and can sing and dance, sure, but our Wolvie needs to be brutal, masculine, but this side of Brokeback. wolverine, alas, now is not, he's too simple, he's a dull character who somehow can't carry his own film, but had no problem doing it for 3 X-Films.

This is mainly due to the absolutely dire script. Poor contrived plot points and twists (Adamantium bullets to destroy his memory at the end) and just awful dialogue, the final lines being "You drinking to forget?" "No, I'm drinking to remember!"

WHAT THE FUCK!
Ok, yeah that maybe a response to a cliche, but it's not only supposed to make sense, but have some humour in it, an the film is drier than a prune in the middle of the Sahara.

The film is piss poor because of this. Not even Patrick Stewart's cheesy cameo, a selection of mutants randomly chosen that destroys continuity for the first film, and some action scenes can salvage this wreck.

It is classic Fox in working, nothing really makes sense, and the pace is off, but there's a lot of fighting and explosions, it's most likely some suit-based film, or if this is all Hood's intentions, he's dramatically decreased from the horribly dull and easy to guess twist film that was Rendition.

Don't see it, it's not worth anything, just wait, Coraline will be out on May 8th, and Transformers 2 and Public Enemies soon after, movies worth seeing.
2/10