A Letter To Paramount

Dear Paramount,
Over the years you have maintained a quality that, whilst sometimes dips, was usually counter-balanced by something so amazing it's too awesome for words.

I thank you for Transformers, Stardust, Cloverfield and Hot Rod in the last few years.

However, please note that it is not acceptable to go a whole summer and offer us absolutely nothing.

Star Trek, whilst hearts and minds adored it, was a dire piece of generic trash with cliche all over, poor ideas, limited story, annoying actors and comedy for no fucking reason.

You kindly followed that up with Transformers 2.

Now, Transformers was the perfect Michael Bay vehicle, if you pardon the pun, it was big loud and dumb, but had the right amount of humour, CGI and action sequences. The sequel took out the sturdy pacing, the interesting human characters and the quality CGI, replaced it with downgraded work, robots as the only characters if any, and John Turturro in a jock strap. Now I love Mr. Quintana as much as anyone, but I don't wish to go an hour on a packed train to see his hairy arse on an IMAX screen do I?

I'm so glad that for your latest opus the cinema was empty, because GI Joe is a fucking disgrace to film.

For a film that cost, I'm hazarding a guess as $175 million, the CGI is some of the worst I have seen. You can clearly tell the greenscreened parts, the faces changing from real to Computer, heck, in one scene the face stays the same size as the camera moves away. No film needs this much CGI, and if it does, a better company should have done it, clearly the chumps you got were messing with photoshop and then printed their shit out, threw it at a car, picked it up, scanned it in, and put it to film.

If that wasn't bad enough, the dialogue was so mentally unstable I was actually hitting my head against the cinema's wall for a fair bit of time, no easy feat when sitting in the middle, heck of a run up though.

Who cast the actors too? Fucking hell, if you want a comedic sidekick, you hire someone funny, not a goddamn Wayan brother, they were barely passable in the first Scary Movie, why have you given them a damn career, with Dance Flick on the horizon, and the astonishingly bad reviews all around. Channing Tatum as the lead? He looks like a slab of meat with two satellite ears sticking out, and acts worse than he looks. Sienna Miller was a good call, but Christopher Eccleston? His Scottish accent, whilst hysterical, was so stupid it was hard to watch. All other actors were truly awful too, Dennis Quaid, what did he do to you Paramount? Poor Jonathon Pryce, why on Earth did you not stop him signing on to this, he's too good for you.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt as well? That was truly mean, heck, when they were in uniform, Channing and Joseph, I thought the film had became Stop-Loss, but no, it sucked instead.

Cliches were hit all the time, and just giving flashbacks doesn't mean you care about the character, the writing needed work, like every part of the film.

You ruined an already bad summer, I thought Fox would be the bad ones, no, you ruined the summer, Fuck you.

Andrew Jones.