Yes, ok, I know, it's a cliche, everyone and their Trek addled mothers loved Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto in JJ's latest film, action packed, CGI heavy and more young stars than a Harry Potter vs Twilight battle royale, but you know what? You're all wrong. It's an appalling work of cinema. The plot? Near non-existant. The characters? Smug and annoying, like characters from the OC or Skins were aboard a spaceship. The graphics? Meh, too much shaky cam and lens flare, it's stylish in a shit way. The script? Appalling, a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory set piece for Simon Pegg, science delivered in such a way that it's laughably bad and horrendously believed with intent by the young, and shitty, actors. Well, except Yelchin, Cho and Pegg.
What is Star Trek? It's a mess, a disgusting looking film which is neither original nor inventive, it's Iron Man syndrome, people love it, claim it's original when it's quite the opposite.
9. Couples Retreat
What's that? It's nearly August and no sign of a Vince Vaughn Christmas film still? Thank you Tarvu! Wait, what's this on apple trailers? "Couples Retreat"? Looks like lots of people doing Forgetting Sarah Marshall, load it up.
DAMN YOU VAUGHN!
Not a single laugh, no sausages, even from resident genius Peter Serafinowicz. And yet number one for weeks in America. Shoddy. Shoddy shoddy shoddy.
8. The Spirit
First film of the year. Seriously. 1/1/2009.
Why?
Frank Miller makes a horribly stupid aesthetic decision, with a talentless group of actors and a braindead script that jumps between serious and silly so often you want to jump between dead and dead but not in hell watching the film on a continuous loop. An appalling work of inhumanity. Please Amnesty International, sort this out.
7. Year One
Jack Black, Paul Rudd, David Cross, Hank Azaria, Harold Ramis. A massive piss-take on the bible and evolution in one fell swoop, with some comedy geniuses. What went so wrong? 2 things: Michael Cera, indie charmer, formerly George Michael Bluth, and sticking to that role in every film he's in. Number 2, hee hee number 2, it's immature, puerile and neither subtle nor clever to sustain any jokes, and the characters are all loud and annoying. Plus Jack Black has a literal shit eating grin.
6. GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
The guy who gave us The Mummy said the trailer. The guy who gave us The Mummy died and was reincarnated by the man who offered up The Mummy Returns and Van frakking Helsing. CGI-less Sommers are something that were before Climate Change hit, now, well, if there's anything in GI Joe that hasn't been altered with computers, it's cut out before the final cut is confirmed. A shit storm of horrendously plasticy and overuse of CGI mixed with a cast that features Channing 'SlabO'Meat' Tatum and Marlon 'Funny Black Sidekick' Wayans. Yep, you read that right, Marlon Wayans is considered funny to some people. Fuck knows why, this film is proof that even Joeseph Gordon-Levitt needs to eat.
5. Seven Pounds
Will Smith - Good. He's funny, charismatic like only Clooney and few others are, and when he does drama he at least tries.
However... The Pursuit Of Happyness was shit, no bones about it, and here, same director, same star, the premise, he's giving away things, he did a bad thing, he wants to die and make peoples' lives better. It's dull, overly 'sentimental' without getting close to deserving any emotions. A bore and a terrible waste of time and money.
4. State Of Play
Tony Fu
3. Duplicity
cking Gilroy.
2. The Hangover
Todd Philips gave us Old School. He offered up Road Trip. There was Starsky and Hutch, an unappreciated silly little film that's just funny as hell at points. Well, he did School for Scoundrels, but that was fucked from Jump Street. This, a film in which 4 people forget the last night, and trace their steps, like Dude Where's My Car? succumbed to poorly written characters, over-explaining plot points and making the random events explained, thus destroying the inexplicability of it all. Add to that the two writing hackjobs did Four Christmases and, wait for it, Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past before this one. They aren't funny, and neither is this film. A shame as Ed Helms has proved himself on The Office, and Zach Galifianakis has reassured he's talented with Bored To Death on HBO.
1. Paranormal Activity
Here we are. The bottom rung of 2009, a year in which films never regained quality from the funk that mid October 2008 began, we're looking at you Quantum of Solace. And with a film that has received the highest of ratings from critics and consumers alike. A film I'm relieved to say I saw for free and earlier than the UK, not earlier than most, Sundance 08 and the US release were before, but it beat Saw VI at the box office, and is insanely profitable because it was super cheap. And the problems are inherent to it's budget. A poorly written, uninteresting 80 minutes that lack tension or investment into the film, it's not real, and never feels close to real footage, the acting is appalling, the script painful, the special scare moments either too small and easy to explain or ridiculously dumb such as the final 10 minutes. It's an appalling film in every respect, and another blow to my attempts at understanding why people like camcorder films, it's like fake snuff movies. And they're as entertaining and well made as the real things.
No comments:
Post a Comment