Call the Police, I was sold something that wasn't true.

So, here we are, over 6 months after Movie-Con introduced us to a series of perfect clips of upcoming so good it can't be bad superhero caper Kick Ass, with a Q&A by the editor, Jason Flemying and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Now, the finished film is ready to be released, posters everywhere, infinite amount of trailers, and review of positive adoration from the most stern of critics.

So why didn't I enjoy it?

Well, it doesn't help that the ridiculously oversaturated market it's launching itself into has seen all the key moments in numerous trailers posted everywhere, there seems to be a new one every day, add to that the key shocks and jokes, including all of the Hit Girl character, are so well encompassed into a trailer that by the time their first 2 minutes in the film are up, it's all over, that's it, nothing new, nothing more, no character development, just one joke characters, an 11 year old girl who swears and kills, a psychotic father that makes her do that stuff, a comic book geek who turns vigilante, and a mob boss' son who wants in on the violence.

That's all the characters that are close to, ahem, memorable, and as many reviews claimed the characters iconic, the film perfect, I think, someone's been given too much money by universal here.

So, we begin the film as we already know, man on roof, narration about trying to be a superhero, guy jumps, people watch, smashes into a car.
So far, so already overused.
On top of that, the wonderfully iconic Superman theme used as a temp track for Comic and Movie Con clip showings is now gone, something less is in place, no invoking great memories, a real loss, and we go into our lead's school life, nerd who wanks a lot, reads comics, does school work, no luck in love, yawn. Unfortunately, it's not changing into a new direction, like, at all.
Add to that we then have Mark Strong's mob boss, annoyed by 'Batman' figure killing men, he gets angry, tries to work out what's going on. Oh, and his son is a comic book geek and wants in on the family business.
And then there's Big Daddy and Hit Girl, father daughter killing tea, literally nothing to be said here, that's all there is.

So the rise to fame through youtube, and an obsession with the amount of myspace friends, yes, myspace, that Kick Ass has. (All internet chat seems to be done through myspace in this world.)

So, Kick Ass is now looked upon as a hero, more guys die, Boss' son pretends to be a hero to get closer to Kick Ass, it works, then they capture Big Daddy and Kick Ass, Hit Girl kills them all, then big fights ensue.

Aaaaaand that's about it, oh yeah, guy gets girl bs too.

So, the film, whilst it certainly looks good, and stylistically it's wonderful, the 2 hour run time is sapping, and between a series of poorly conceived, uninteresting characters we bounce around between a realistic kid with hopes story to a mayhem filled Hit Girl, Big Daddy schtick. And the writing is piss poor. Like, real bad. If they looked at the script now, the writers should have kicked themselves, cheap easy gags, already severely dated pop culture references and quick dialogue that if I didn't already know things such as the nerve endings of Kick Ass get severed in a car crash, the writing would have confused me with it barely being explained, short of, punch me, see, no pain.

The music is dull, the action scenes are unmistakably bland (I was watching some scenes thinking, I loved this moment in Wanted, when it looked good) and the acting is ok at best. Nic Cage doesn't get back to Adaptation quirky good, he bores through it, Aaron Johnson is dull, Chloe Moretz is nothing special, she's been better and clearly tries too hard here, Mark Strong is a good bad guy, but he has nothing to do, Chris Plasse for the first time really annoyed me, he just wasn't good or entertaining, or watchable.

Nope, nothing here.

Oh yeah, now the spoilers to come.


Like, real spoilers over some key ending moments.

No, seriously, look away now, a picture involved too.

You've been warned.

Fine.

So, the Kick Ass unmasked fight scene, with the 5 minutes of strobe lighting, oh god, painful on the eyes, it's enough the film wasn't good, but to fuck our eyes like that? Bad move. And then they burn Nic Cage alive, I was so tempted to scream "MURDER! This Is murder, you'll all be arrested. Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey!" But, I refrained.

So, when was a film about a kid with no powers who becomes a poor vigilante get so up it's own arse as to forgo how shitty a vigilante he is that he's embraced for being beaten up by a duo of murderers, who then let him take control of a MOTHER FUCKING JETPACK, with fucking gattling guns?
No, sorry. At this point if I wasn't with my friend (Who loved it) I would have genuinely walked out. There's one thing to be kooky and over the top for humour, but to put such emphasis in trying, oh and failing, to make the characters 3D, real and likable, why then do something so outrageous that it destroys all you've attempted to work to?

And the Prodigy music, so overused.

Here's a picture to sum it all up (From a trailer of it no less):






AAAAAND, welcome back.














So, overall, Matthew Vaughn follows up the remarkable Stardust with the appalling, Hancock-esque Kick Ass, that fails to do everything Hancock kinda succeeded at, including making a hero be a youtube phenomenon.
2/10