Judi Dench in a bawdy French showgirl musical number!

We all know how awesome Daniel Day Lewis is. If you've not seen any recent work, skip Gangs of New York, which was merely a rehearsal, and sit down for 3 hours and love There Will Be Blood instead, playing a demonic character he's engaging, charismatic, charming, evil and fun to watch, in any other film he's the character you wish was in it more, in that, he's the guy you want to watch for the 2 hour 40 minute runtime happily.
And now Day Lewis is back in the zeitgeist, he's somehow been involved in a Rob Marshall film. Yeah, that guy what did Chicago and Memoirs of a Geisha.
But not only is Day Lewis in it, doing a simple, understated Italian accent and having songs where he talks, not sings, Shatner style, there's Judi Dench, who tries Italian, just comes out as English with some flair, and she sings too. Yes, be warned viewers, Judi Dench on the mic.

But she's not all, Penelope Cruz, fresh from winning an Oscar for crying and screaming in Spanish for 20 minutes in a POS Woodsy Allen flick, appears to do some sensual rumblings in low cut attire, which is funny considering she's hardly attractive at the best of times, Nicole Kidman has about 5 minutes and does frak all, Sophia Loren appears as Day Lewis' zombie mother every so often, the effects are truly stunning, she must have spent days in the make-up trailer, looks like she's genuinely decomposing.
Marion Coutillard is saddled with the wife role where she has to cry, look beautiful and get little to do, poor thing, and then there's Fergie. When Fergie is the best singer you have, it's time to re-assess the project. And she's only in it for one song.

Oh yeah, and Goldie Hawn. Wait, what? Kate Hudson? God she's old now. I though Hawn looked good for her age, now, eugh.

So, what's the plot? Some italian director making a film that he knows not the plot or anything about, only got the actors, nothing else. Seems very meta, in fact, perhaps that's why the film falls flat the whole time, it's purely a giant in-joke, Marshall made a film that is the outcome of the proposed idea.
Because there is nothing in this film, Day Lewis, Couitllard and Dench are great, but they have nothing to do, the other actors, not so much.
It's a completely lifeless, soul sucking 2 hours with no memorable or well made songs, awful dancing, appallingly dry atmosphere and nothing redeemable.
However, don't forget, the numerical title, 9, is out on DVD soon, and a far superior effort all round.
2/10