Ah Hollywood.
Books, songs, TV shows, remakes, theme park rides, video games.
When you have an original idea, every 5 years, it can be amazing, but in between we have to sit with this?
Disney's latest attempt to re-capture the Pirates magic sees Jerry Bruckheimer get a classic NES game of Prince Of Persia, and make it a 2 hour sword and sandals flick which, though billed as an epic, isn't because, well, it's not even 2 hours.
The plot, ha, for this film is as follows:
Young orphan kid throws apple he stole at guard whooping a kid, he is adopted by the king, and as the voiceover and title say at the same time, becomes "Title of the movie"
15 years later, adopted prince and two brothers approach a religious city, Ben Kingsley's uncle says attack, they do, and Princess 'beautiful', or bland, meh Gemma Arterton is taken, along with a dagger.
King is murdered, Gyllenhaal is to blame, but he didn't do it, he runs, Princess follows cos he has her dagger, which takes you back to before you miss-timed the jump and landed in painful fucking spikes.
She guards dagger, so she follows him, they have the Moonlighting both hate each other relationship.
Alfred Molina buys slaves, Arterton is traded, but they escape anyway for the sake of more action.
Jake's brothers go on the hunt, Jake puts 2 and 2 together and realises Gandhi ain't good, has to convince brothers.
Some temple attack, one brother dies, invasion of hometown, other brother dies, Kingsley makes Arterton die, they fight and then end up going back to the beginning of the film to stop the film from happening, 98 minutes too late. End.
So, what are we left with at the end of this film?
Well, besides titling it from a video game, it's actually just your generic stupid action chase film, with the idiotic will they won't they love story that no one cares about because no character is close to averagely written, the dialogue painfully cliched, and at no point does it ever try to bring anything new to the table.
The CGI is shoddy, as always, the action incomprehensible between the 500 cuts to another shaky cam image during an action sequence, the premise shaky at best, nothing works in this film except the brilliant Jake Gyllenhaal, who needs a better script to work on.
So, acting, what happened there? Ben Kingsley is wasted, just looking evil and trying his darndest with nothing on his plate, Gemma Arterton, well, why is she cast in anything? A complete bore, poor at acting, not beautiful and especially not interesting.
The brothers, one the addict from Rocknrolla, the other Geoff from Coupling, could have been good, if they had anything to do, Alfred Molina is completely wasted, just trying to make the poor 'jokes' work, all in all a poor group of wasted talents.
So, what are we left with after the sand has fallen? A big pile of generic crap made almost entirely in computers, with a massive budget and nothing to show for it, Prince Of Persia is a dull, lifeless, unambitious action film with nothing anyone will ever gain.
2/10
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