A thousand nations of the Persian empire descend upon you, our CGI will blot out the plotholes.

Ah Hollywood.
Books, songs, TV shows, remakes, theme park rides, video games.
When you have an original idea, every 5 years, it can be amazing, but in between we have to sit with this?

Disney's latest attempt to re-capture the Pirates magic sees Jerry Bruckheimer get a classic NES game of Prince Of Persia, and make it a 2 hour sword and sandals flick which, though billed as an epic, isn't because, well, it's not even 2 hours.

The plot, ha, for this film is as follows:
Young orphan kid throws apple he stole at guard whooping a kid, he is adopted by the king, and as the voiceover and title say at the same time, becomes "Title of the movie"
15 years later, adopted prince and two brothers approach a religious city, Ben Kingsley's uncle says attack, they do, and Princess 'beautiful', or bland, meh Gemma Arterton is taken, along with a dagger.
King is murdered, Gyllenhaal is to blame, but he didn't do it, he runs, Princess follows cos he has her dagger, which takes you back to before you miss-timed the jump and landed in painful fucking spikes.
She guards dagger, so she follows him, they have the Moonlighting both hate each other relationship.
Alfred Molina buys slaves, Arterton is traded, but they escape anyway for the sake of more action.
Jake's brothers go on the hunt, Jake puts 2 and 2 together and realises Gandhi ain't good, has to convince brothers.
Some temple attack, one brother dies, invasion of hometown, other brother dies, Kingsley makes Arterton die, they fight and then end up going back to the beginning of the film to stop the film from happening, 98 minutes too late. End.

So, what are we left with at the end of this film?
Well, besides titling it from a video game, it's actually just your generic stupid action chase film, with the idiotic will they won't they love story that no one cares about because no character is close to averagely written, the dialogue painfully cliched, and at no point does it ever try to bring anything new to the table.

The CGI is shoddy, as always, the action incomprehensible between the 500 cuts to another shaky cam image during an action sequence, the premise shaky at best, nothing works in this film except the brilliant Jake Gyllenhaal, who needs a better script to work on.

So, acting, what happened there? Ben Kingsley is wasted, just looking evil and trying his darndest with nothing on his plate, Gemma Arterton, well, why is she cast in anything? A complete bore, poor at acting, not beautiful and especially not interesting.
The brothers, one the addict from Rocknrolla, the other Geoff from Coupling, could have been good, if they had anything to do, Alfred Molina is completely wasted, just trying to make the poor 'jokes' work, all in all a poor group of wasted talents.

So, what are we left with after the sand has fallen? A big pile of generic crap made almost entirely in computers, with a massive budget and nothing to show for it, Prince Of Persia is a dull, lifeless, unambitious action film with nothing anyone will ever gain.
2/10

My Summer Of Loath 2010

No niceties, let us begin:

Robin Hood
Ridley Scott Directing
Brian Hegeland Writing
Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Danny Huston, Scott Grimes, Mark Addy.

12th May
Ah, Ridley Scott. You know, I enjoyed Matchstick Men, Nic Cage was great, Sam Rockwell, well, he's Sam Rockwell, and Alison Lohman was good too. But. Well, American Gangster was alright, too long, of course, but what R. Scott film can't you say that about? Alien, meh, it's ok, Blade Runner, I bore through sometimes, it's not as amazing to me as, say, A Scanner Darkly or even the only good Spielberg flick in Minority Report, and as a sci-fi, it feels flat, tasteless, an amalgamation of ideas better worked out in countless other films. That said, the PC game was awesome.

But once more Ridley goes back in time with Body Of Lies, Gladiator, A Good Year, American Gangster star Russell Crowe to go fightin' round the world once more, this time in the time period of 1100's, in good ol' Nottingham Forest, so, that means Crowe is sportin' a northern accent, pet.

For some reason Cate Blanchett has decided to join in the, ahem, 'fun' as Maid Marian, who in the trailers sports the northern accent in a lower register than any male actor. Perhaps it's an early reinvention of The Crying Game. Well, given that it's Ridley Scott, there'll be lots of battle scenes, and of course extended periods of boredom, closing in at 2 hours 20 minutes for a film about a group of men throwing arrows at the taxman and Sheriff, well, I'd say I'll reserve judgement until I see it, but that'll be in 2012 when it's shown on TV. I don't think my mind can take such extravagant dullness.



Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time
21st May
Mike Newell Directing
Boaz Yakin
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard Writing
Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina

Donnie Darko, you know, the catcher in Brokeback, yeah, he's longened his hair and given himself some abs so he can play a Persian prince. Yeah, no, he's got an English accent because, well, Disney firmly believes that anyone who doesn't speak American must have English accents, it's the only other way an audience can comprehend what the people are saying whilst informing them these characters aren't American and don't believe in the lord almighty Obama or whatever Kool Aide cult is spreading this quarter.

I thought about it, I don't enjoy the trailers, the CGI is too hit and miss, though some shots look fine enough, and, well, it does look boring. As luck would have it, my thoughts of "I wouldn't pay to see this" were examined, and I will review it early, for free, next week, still, look at Gylly, I mean, seriously. What the hell? Good luck Disney, it'll never be another Pirates.



MacGruber
18th June
Jorma Taccone Directing
Will Forte, Jorma Taccone & John Solomon Writing
Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, Maya Rudolph, Powers Boothe, Chris Jericho, Bill Hader

This is more like it.
I'm a Forte adorer, I mean, he took time, but he totally won me over, dry, smiley, weird, hysterical. And Wiig too, the same thing, but now, I'm a Wiigist. Ryan Phillippe? Hells yeah, and what's that, Val Kilmer? Gay Perry? As a man named Dieter von Cunthe? Yeah, sure, Maya Rudolph, Bill Hader, Powers Boothe, they're, you know, nothing special. Except all are totally awesome too. Oh yes, and of course 1/3rd of the Lonely Island, Jorma Taccone is making his feature directorial debut here, he's especially awesome because he's just brilliant in everything he does too.

And it's R-rated? And it's a proper comedy with action and stuff? And it's got more chance to have smart jokes instead of one note pain as most SNL skit-turned-movies have? Count me in, way the fuck in.



Get Him To The Greek
25th June
Nicholas Stoller Writing & Directing
Russell Brand, Jonah Hill, Aziz Ansari, P. Diddy.

Remember when Forgetting Sarah Marshall came out? Suddenly there was a good non-Seth Rogen involved Apatow gang movie, don't mean to diss Walk Hard, but, well, it's not good enough next to this behemoth. So, when that film went over like mad, it seemed necessary to have some sort of sequel or spin-off, clearly. And with what turned out to be a non-annoying, in fact genuinely hilarious Russell Brand performance as Aldous Snow, famous lead singer of "Infant Sorrow" the notion of making him a central focus is lovely. Jonah Hill now plays a different character, but is forced to drag Aldous from London to LA, taking in a trip of a lifetime with him.

It's not going to change films as we perceive them, it's not in 3D, it hasn't got extensive CGI or action scenes, it's going to be 2 hours of what clearly the green AND red band trailers communicate as absolutely hysterical moments, an insane P. Diddy and some Aziz Ansari for all us Ansari fans out there, "Play it DJ Roomba!".

I honestly have this right next to MacGruber and 2 others as my ultimate must see films of this whole year. Action is for losers, quality prevails.



Shrek Forever After
2nd July
Mike Mitchell Directing
Josh Klausner and Darren Lemke Writing
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Jon Hamm, Jane Lynch, Kristen Schaal, Craig Robinson

Yeah. So. There's this. You know. If you hate yourself, your children, your family, your mind, anything you hate, dump 'em here. Go see How To Train Your Dragon, Dreamworks' integrity animation, before an unnecessary sequel done got fuckin' announced.
Edit, turns out the film has changed names to Shrek: The Final Chapter, not the only colon this film is involved with I'm sure.



Knight & Day
14th July
James Mangold Directing
Patrick O'Neill Writing
Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Peter Sarsgaard, Paul Dano, Viola Davis

Oh look, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are, like, there's a spy or something, she's, what, they say bridesmaid in the trailer. I think he's rogue or something. Yeah, but, they hate each other or like each other, there's guns and romance, I think there's romance, maybe there's no guns. Oh, and none of them are surnamed Knight or Day. Could Day have been Daye? Couldn't it have stuck with Untitled Tom Cruise Comedy? Why does James Mangold hate the cinema audiences?
Don't look to this film for answers, or, in fact, at all.



Inception
16th July
Christopher Nolan Writing & Directing
Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joeseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine

Ok, yeah, The Dark Knight was good, The Prestige amazing, Batman Begins perfect, Memento, I need to re-watch that, I can't remember what happened (Genuine and joke in one fell swoop), I saw Chris Nolan's short "Doodlebug" once, it was only 2 minutes, it was weird, freaky and very funny. I love it when he's off the leash, and I hope this is one of the same. But if it's not, well, the trailers don't really invite us to see what we're dealing with, approach with caution, then enjoy or endure.



Toy Story 3
23rd July
Lee Unkrich Directing
Michael Arndt Writing
Tom Hanks, Time Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles, John Ratzenberger, R. Lee Ermey, Wallace Shawn, michael Keaton, Whoopi Goldberg, Timothy Dalton, Kristen Schal, Jeff Garlin, Richard Kind, Estelle Harris

Look, Pixar, we know you're good. I mean, look at you, you've done great works. But this, alongside, what, Cars 2, Monsters Inc. 2, the cancellation of the genius idea that was Newt. You're going Dreamworks. No sequels, more original ideas, have another lunch chat, make another 15 years of film ideas. Please. Sorry Mr. Unkrich, this, well, the jokes in the trailers are bad, the new characters too many and not enough in the ideas stage, the plot, same old, nothing looks good about this. I'll happily apologise for saying this later, but this could be the biggest fuck up in Pixar history. How To Train Your Dragon for Best Animated Feature Oscar!



The Karate Kid
The A-Team
28th July
Harold Zwart Directing
Christopher Murphey Writing
Jackie Chan, Jayden Smith, Taraji P. Henson

Here's a coin flip. Two 80's giants, one weekend. One a remake of a classic, now the Kung Fu Kid, with Jackie "I'm aging too much to do good films" Chan as Pat Morita, and Will Smith's annoying fucking kid as Ralph Macchio, kid becomes strong kind of dreck. Meh.


Joe Carnahan Directing
Brian Bloom, Michael Brandt and Skip Woods Writing
Liam Neeson, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson

The other, Joe Carnahan's tale of epic destruction featuring a rag tag trio and a series of guns all loaded with blanks, titled Plane vs Tank, so called due to the trailer abused sequence where the plane is exploded, they parachute out in a tank and The A-Team shoot down a plane with a tank, well. Take the director of Smokin' Aces, let the lead from District 9 do an excellent southern states accent, give Liam Neeson a cigar, get a butch black man to spout lines and find the big named annoying pretty boy of the era, put them together and have 3/4 of the publicity shots be solely featuring the ugly and terrible at anything Jessica Biel, and you have a problem. But then you have the trailer.
I mean.
There's a plane and tank airfight, there's some abseiling down into a window where a rocket blew up to make your entrance, there's crazy shit going down. I'm fucking there. You might want to get in line too. If it's not good, it should be fun enough to be ok.


Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
4th August
Brad Peyton Directing
Ron J. Friedman & Steve Benchich Writing
Alec Baldwin, Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Pantoliano, Roger Moore, Bette Midler, Jack McBrayer

Why?
Remember the first one?
Exactly, it was cack.
So.
Why?
Who?
3D?
No?
No.
No!
NOOOOooooooo........


Grown Ups
6th August
Dennis Dugan Directing
Adam Sandler & Fred Wolf Writing
Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Slama Hayek, Steve Buscemi, Maya Rudolph, Tim Meadows

Ok, this is totally rating dependent. It's not an R, alas, which, with Schneider, Sandler and Rock would have been awesome, but if it goes above the PG, it could be good. Kevin James is good in anything, he was the best bit, cos he tried, in Chuck and Larry, and David Spade is funny enough, Joe Dirt is a guilty little silly flick, all 5 are cool, so we have to hope it's funny, but, don't hold your breath.


The Last Airbender
Predators
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
13th August
Here's what Marti DeBergi once famously quoted as a "Shit Sandwich"
M. Night Shyamalan Writing & Directing
Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Randall Duk Kim, Dee Bradley Baker

Last Airbender, no Avatar cos Cameron stole the title, is Shyamalan's next film for his kids, Lady In The Water being the other one, which personally I love, I'm a Giamatti whore, yes, but it's the only entertaining and re-watchable film, even if it's cheesy, it's played for cheese pitch perfect, unlike the horrible The Happening.
The trailers looks boring, the graphics half hearted, storyline pure crap, I won't catch it, but it's not aimed for me.


Nimrod Antal Directing
Alex Litvak & Michael Finch Writing
Danny Trejo, Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Derek Mears

Then there's the Robert Rodriguez produced Predators. Adrien Brody pops into another genre with this sci-fi horror flick full of characters waiting to shoot at, then be ripped apart by, some Predators, in a jungle, whilst they fail to get to da choppa. The footage so far doesn't inspire confidence, but we have to hope it could be just fun enough to get through.


Jon Turtletaub Directing
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard and Matt Lopez Writing
Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
(No Poster Yet)
And finally this week we see Nic Cage as a wizard, and the awesome, funny, brilliant, adorable, lovely, genius Jay Baruchel as the titular Apprentice. This looks bad, I mean, Turtletaub gave us the National Treasure shit, but jeez. I heart Baruchel, he's my man crush, and when Cage is on, he's on, but once more he looks bored, and the CGI? Eugh. Stop with the CGI.


Dinner For Schmucks
The Expendables
Piranha 3D
Salt
20th August
Jay Roach Directing
Andy Borowitz, Ken Daurio, David Guion, Michael Handelman, Danielle Kasen, Cinco Paul, Francis Veber and Jon Vitti Writing
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Ron Livingston, Kristen Schaal

Ok. There's something here you know.
But before we get there, lets look at, sigh, Jay Roach's English Language remake of Le Diner De Cons, dinner For Schmucks, which I've dedicated a lot of time in a previous blog entry to.
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, I love you guys, but, if you have no one to bounce the crazy off of, or are playing a nice guy like Rudd does, it won't work, it's crazy but sweet meets mean but sensible, that's the chemistry, the rapport, the point of the play, the film, the comedy. Making it a haphazard PG-13 summer comedy just ruins the whole point.


Sylvester Stallone Directing
Sylvester Stallone and Dave Callaham Writing
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Terry Crewes

Anyway, lets move on to THE MOST AWESOMEST THING NOT JUST THIS SUMMER BUT LIKE EVER EVERER!!!!!!
Stallone. Statham (swoons). Li. Lundergren. Stone Cold. Crewes. Rourke. Willis. Roberts. Schwazenegger.
All of these people pop in to talk about, or actually, kill bad guys, or are bad guys who kill and get killed, as a team of awesome mercenaries, fronted by the effortlessly charismatic Statham and Stallone, lead their guntoting ways to South America to stop a dictator, live for nothing or die walking away from explosions, and jumping like back in the 80's.
Nothing will stop this film from sounding awesome, and one fears it might not come out well, but fuck it, if it doesn't, the trailer rules anyway, and, well, look at the freaking cast!


Alexandre Aja Directing
Alexandre Aja, Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfiner and Gregory Levasseur Writing
Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue, Eli Roth, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss
(No Poster Yet)
Then there's Piranha 3D, a tits and gore schlock horror full of gore as Alexandre Aja knows best, he's the guy who made The Hills Have Eyes remake and Mirrors. So, we have, in 3D no less, Ving "Zombie killing mother fucker" Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher "Where we're going, we don't need wetsuits" Lloyd! I mean, come on, the title alone wasn't enough? Now it's on the watch list, no? Hells yeah it is.


Phillip Noyce Directing
Kurt Wimmer and Brian Helgeland Writing
Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor

Then there's Salt. Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it, and Angelina Jolie isn't bad often, but, well, looks kinda bland. It's a we'll see flick.


Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
27th August
Edgar Wright Directing
Edgar Wright & Michael Bacall Writing
Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Anna Kendrick, Brandon Routh, Alison Pill, Jason Schwartzman, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza

Edgar Wright makes a comic book movie, with Chris Evans, Mae Whitman, Annhogg from Arrested Development, Anna Kendrick, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzmen among a slew of talented actors in what looks to be Wright fully loaded, the right budget, the right visual style, completely kinetic, engaging, fucking balls out insane, fun and entertaining, this will be THE PG-13 action film of the summer, A-Team can't get close to Mikey Cera fighting Superman and Johnny Storm.


The Other Guys
1st September
Adam McKay Directing
Adam McKay & Chris Hnechy Writing
Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan

Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson. A comedy about 2 detectives who aren't the top of their league, the ones who do paperwork, not stunts.
Like Cop Out, only it's guaranteed to be hysterical, comedy pedigree meets insane action.

iRon Mayan Too

And so summer begins, not with a bang, but with a whimper, in the sequel to the ridiculously big hit film Iron Man, which re-energised an already awesome Robert Downey Jr. with star appeal like no other and brought a fantastic, wealthy with character, quirk and intrigue Marvel hero, and his power suit, to the masses.

Unfortunately the film was rather boring, in between the moments where Downey got to be Downey, mostly lots of ad-libbed parts, it was a poor attempt at an origin story where the pacing was off, most of the characters were 1 dimensional at best, and the villain had less screen-time than a SHIELD agent who doesn't even do anything in any of these films, 4 hours of fuck all.

And somehow in the second part we have even less of a villain than Jeff Bridges, between the underused but brilliant Sam Rockwell as charismatic business rival Justin Hammer and Mickey Rourke's barely Russian Whiplash, who spends most of his time locked away looking at Rockwell, growling, then getting back to work, only to escape at the end for no reason other than to have another villain in a power suit fight. Yawn.

It isn't helped that Tony's second act motivations are SHIELD agent Clark Gregg is housesitting him as he has to find a power alternative or something his father will lead him to, his father who is dead from the smoking and whiskey consumption from his time on Mad Men, and Sam Jackson spends 5 minutes sitting around doing fuck all.

In fact, the only person who does anything in this film seems to be Jon Favreau. For some reason the director's small part in Iron Man became his best friend role in the sequel, Terrence Howard passed, Don Cheadle accepted, so he does nothing once more, clearly Favreau wanted Downey to have a buddy, so he decided "Hey, I act, why not" And let me tell you Mr. Favreau, there's about 5 million reasons why not, most of them end with "Cos you're a fucking shitty actor" sir.
For no reason he has not one, not two but three moments where he oogles at Scarlett Johanson, whose sole purpose in this film is to walk around busty and kick a few people. Great character motivation, did you workshop that when you were watching her undress Jon?

So, the rest, well, Paltrow is promoted, but her relationship with Tony is as two people who talk slightly, until a kiss at the end, there's no chemistry, there's nothing in fact, it's just two unlikeable people talking, and yes, Downey is unlikeable, dull, fast talking about nothing, useless in this. For a film about him, it doesn't focus much on him, has 5 strands to follow that are inconsequential, uninteresting and ultimately are forgotten when the CGI hits out.

The film would have worked better had it stopped being a Marvel advertises Captain America, The Avengers and Thor film (A painful Captain America shield cameo used as a gag), and became a film about Sam Rockwell and Downey Jr. as business rivals, leaving the metal on metal yawnfest for another film. A smart, Wall Street meets Changing Lanes, only funnier and lighter kind of film would have worked infinitely better than this mish mash from execs of what looks cool, where the characters should be, which, by the way, most of them act like the plot dictates, not as humans, and eventually the stupid 10 minute action fest that is as uninventive as it is undeserving.

Once again the CGI is average at best, metal looks plasticy, the disembodied faces of Cheadle, Downey and Rourke are weird, a moment were Rourke, as a cool guy, doesn't look as he walks from an explosion on the Monaco grand prix has two cars explode behind him, or, rather, him on a chroma keyed moment, where the cars are about 10 times his size, or closer than him, either way, physics lost that battle. Why oh why can't special effects look anywhere near as good as it did 10 years ago, when the characters become suits, it's painfully obvious it's not even close to practical, hell, the materials don't even reflect or react like they're in the same environment as the backdrop.

So, what's the basic premise? Well, Rourke's father was betrayed by Tony's father, and so the hatred runs through this child's life, in Moscow, so much so that the arc reactor template he design with Stark senior is implemented to fight Stark, once on the radar Rockwell buys his work so that at the Stark Expo, or weapons-fest New York, he can come in and prove that he's better than Tony. At a congressional hearing, by C-Span, whose graphics are on the CINEMA SCREEN for well over 2/3rds of the 10 minute scene, Gary Shandling quizzes the weaponry basis of Iron Man, and Stark embarrasses all nations and Hammer by showing he's the best.

And so, 2 hours later, there's a fight.

Oh yeah, and in the middle people talk and stuff, about nothing, building to nothing.
Can I say fuck more?

So, yeah, it's 2 hours with an Easter Egg about Thor's hammer in a crater in New Mexico at the end, not worth staying for, if, that is, you actually bothered buying a ticket for this dreck in the first place.

For a film so pent up on ADD craziness and had a mellow, joyful, if not at all memorable predecessor, it seems to want to be serious after some painful 'comic' moments, and the stupid robot arm things again, even JARVIS is only used to explain the plot, as most things are said 3-4 times so the kids watching, watching a PG-13, 13!, film can understand the intricate details of this bullshit.

You know, one thing that bugged me, in Minority Report they had screens to work with when using the touch screen flashy computer things, in Iron Man 2 Tony has the stuff projected around his workshop, projected on nothing, how does the image know when to stop? Someone? Anyone? Unobtanium?

Anyway, I divert back to my original point, I went in with really low expectations and hated it, this is Wolverine bad.
2/10 (Purely because Sam Rockwell and that swinging thing were entertaining to watch) ((That swinging thing isn't a way of saying Jon Favreau's belly))

Dear Shawn Levy, Why?

Alright, let me preface this with these facts:
Besides the Night At The Museum sequel, Shawn Levy is pure hack, and even then he did nothing special, he just had a better script than usual and a capable group of actors doing a sturdier job than in the original.
This was a free ticket.
This free ticket was for March 30th, but was pushed back 19 days because, well...
Because Date Night, starring Steve Carell as Steve Carell and Tina Fey as Tina Fey, with no straight character to bounce their insane overused and dull characteristics off of, is a big pile of shit. I mean, this is stuff that you don't just leave as soon as you smell, you call the government, have it closed down, rinsed out, checked for biological weaponry and then demolish and leave a gaping hole where the bathroom was once situated to avoid a further outbreak of shit.
There are a few things I never do in a cinema. Have my phone on and constantly check the time. Walk out of a film before the credits. Make noise by rustling food and fidgeting in my chair.

I try to, at the very least, make the experience pleasurable enough for the audience even if I hate it, I'll do my best not to ruin anyone else's time.
I broke these rules. By minute 15 I had turned on my phone, wondering why we hadn't seen a reel change yet, it felt like 30 minutes in. I then decided to give it 30 mins, which I pussied out on and gave it 1 hour, perfectly after James Franco, Mila Kunis and Mark Ruffalo were wasted on the film, Mark Wahlberg appeared, and I'm guessing comes back by the end because he's obviously a spy and is in the centre of the film's "comical" mistaken identity issue, only raised when the two loving married people break from their schedules, nice message, stuck in a rut? Better than doing something different each night and then getting in "hysterical" (Read shit, cheap, easy" situations and having guns aimed at you, without reacting like it's an uncommon thing.

I can't bare to even talk much about this dreck, I mean, there's talent here, not in the script or on the director's chair making lots of money for his hack self, but the cast is amazing, I mean, Taraji P. Henson, Common, Fichtner, Liotta! Why the fuck are they in this mess? Sure, there's some 'phat' cash, but jesus, have some fucking respect.
This is the reason I hate cinema, this kind of thing comes out constantly, is never good, NEVER good, wastes talent, time, money, and makes lots of money cos idiots love this shit. Why can't Hollywood go and die? Seriously, Fox, who when I saw their logo before it, was already raring to get to the door, is producing nothing but shit, rarely has, but there are gems, people loved Fight Club, and the Alien and Aliens flicks, why can't they be a bit more daring. Why can't any studio be more daring? Sure there's been a recession, but just because you're afraid to make something different and possibly challenging to an audience, don't pussy out and jump to the easy cash, dar to dream you cunts, dare to fucking dream.

This film is the nail in the coffin that makes me question cinema nowadays, it's safe to say I'm ready to turn my back on the art until we see some improvement in the constant quantity vastly larger than quality issue.
Go suck a fuck Hollywood.

Oh yeah, there was a film involved.
1/10

England's Worst Kept Secret

Earlier this morning I found myself awake in the wee hours, not sure if it was an attempt at excitement for the coming events, the early night preceding it or the sudden need for my mind to piss off my body and not let me get back to sleep, instead get up and sit through the worst Glee yet (See the TV blog).
But in the dying hours before my planned screening of Gervais and Merchant's film debut together, Cemetery Junction, I indulged in the Chris Martin, Ronnie Corbett Extras episode then realised, I hadn't seen The Office since we got the DVDs in, what, 2004, and before then only when they had first aired. So off I shot to my brother's room, he may have moved out, but his few DVDs retain close at hand, and I threw them in.

Yep, a few years in between and they still make you laugh, but it's the dramatic elements, the narratives cleverly underplayed in order to create real people on screen that Merch-Vais, as no one will ever call them, have done time and time again to such aplomb. Who'd have thought when Extras first aired, out of order, with Gervais' Andy Millman going up to a man who has seen such awful atrocities and trying to convince him to get a speaking role for M&S vouchers, that by the finale we loved this guy, we'd seen his highs and lows, mainly lows, but it wasn't the situations but the character that came out of it that we cared about, the detail in writing and performing is exquisite.

And yet, when it comes to secondary characters, they always have problems, sure they may know all the info on that other rival actor Millman faces, but they don't tell us anything, he's just there to annoy Andy three times a series and the bugger off, and yes, it's not like unnecessary explanations would fit the piece, but the way that it just feels they know the character, but don't care for them, the lack of heart and soul, which is worrying.
Case in point, Ewan MacIntosh's Keith from Accounting, the one who eats Scotch Eggs whilst being so dull in his Peak Practice conversations you want to kill yourself, he's also the DJ, I'm sure there's something there, but in the American Office the same character, now Kevin, is never given much plot lines, barely screen time often, but he's there, he has funny lines, and it feels like he's real enough to care about, and we can connect with him, as opposed to just being there. Sure they've had, what, a further 100 episodes to do this with, but come the second season, when they ditched the UK's plot and went freeform, they knew that these secondary characters needed to come out from hiding and become characters in their own right, not just entities formed to allow interaction to the main characters.

And as we now look to today's feature presentation of Cemetery Junction, I feel this is one of the key issues holding this film back.

A film set in the titular area, a place in Reading that the characters call horrible, slummish, and yet the beautiful cinematography makes it seem so lovely, calm, almost a holiday retreat, just with more factory workers.
The premise is these three young men in the summer of '73 finally coming of age, their lives, their loves, the choices they have to make, where to work, where to go, if they can ever, as is mentioned the whole way through, actually leave the almost prison-like Junction, to them at least, we see it through such a warm summer's glow, I swear I felt warmer in the cinema than when I left, and they had the AC on.
But, I digress, we have our three main characters, Freddie, a young, effortlessly charming man who finds his way into Ralph Fiennes' insurance salesman's office and scores a job, working under Matthew Goode (Who is genuinely good in this), and is embraced for trying to escape the Junction as Fiennes' character did before him, and he has no kind words for the place either.
Freddie's sole reason for the job is to avoid his father's (Gervais) place in the world, bare minimum, resigned to suffering for the family that abuse him anyway, and his only goals are house, marriage, kids, nothing amazing.
Then there's Snork, the chubby funny character, who is unlucky in love, and in anything, telling wonderfully dull anecdotes on bread, and having no idea that a punch-line with the word 'cunt' in it at a professional insurance ball isn't the best idea. Besides being a tad generic, he's sweet enough to get by and rather funny too.
Finally Bruce, angry as all hell, always getting into fights, shouting at his lazy father for never sticking up for his wife when she left him, solely getting out of jail because his father's friend is the chief, he's egotistical, scheming and endearing, presented as the kind of friend who does give a fuck, even if at times he gives too much, and the scenes with him and his father, masterful.

There's also Julie, Fred's old friend, conveniently Fiennes' daughter, fiance to Goode's character, all round off limits in anything but friendship, the kind of free spirited character who convinces him to change, to live life, yadda yadda yadda.
And, perhaps most interesting of all, Emily Watson as Fiennes' put upon wife, a woman who doesn't get noticed by anyone, gets no respect, and just suffers it, of course conveniently for the film she, like everyone else, changes on a dime for plot purposes, but for the most part she wonderfully underplays to perfection what could have been an overly sentimental role.

The film looks amazing, the music is, well, I'm gonna hunt down the score for sure, for it's runtime I was never bored, though a Merchant cameo was rather unnecessary, since it aimed a bit too broad for it's own good, but besides that, Cemetery Junction is a wonderful film, a coming of age in the dead are of England film that shows An Education how you do it without being, well, boring.

I suggest you go and see it, yes the trailer never seems to give much, but it's that which is most inviting, once you get inside the film, by the fifteenth minute, you're in for a magnificent little treat full of great ideas and dialogue, interesting characters, alongside some shoddier ones, some really powerful beats and some hysterically funny moments, it's well worth your time, and I for one will be catching it again happily.
9/10

Movies For Schmucks

Ever since the wonderful BBC2 aired the French flick "Le Diner De Cons" (The Idiot Dinner) one day between 2001 and 2003, can't remember exactly, but it was late at night and me and my brother watched it during our late night foreign film binge, which was just that and the brilliantly nasty Das Experiment, We saw what remains to this day a fast, hysterical and brilliant film which was a character study of an immoral businessman who loses his wife over the idea of making fun on geeks, whilst the titular 'idiot' ends up looking after the man, who does his back in practicing golf swings for his next game with his bosses, and ends up being the really nice and sweet person as to try and help think of how to get his wife back.

It's brilliant and I suggest you pick it up, don't rent, give it your money because if you don't laugh once during it, you have no soul.

And yet when news of the American remake came about, the only worry I had was the title, Dinner For Schmucks, too obvious.
When they had Sacha Baron Cohen in the lead idiot role I was happy, he'd have done it well, I could imagine it, though from fat short man to ridiculously thin and tall would have been weird, it's the perfect remake idea, the complete opposite.
But now we have the final finished production, with Steve "YELLING ALL THE TIME" Carell as the idiot, and Paul "Sarcasm only works when you're the straight man not aiming for the funny all the time" Rudd as the sweet man who is FRCED to get an idiot, not willingly, just for a promotion...
Oh, and as you can see from the trailer, the meeting on the train becomes Paul running over Steve, and they actually end up at the dinner too, instead of it being clearly a theatre production turned into a hysterical film, it's just a mindless, soulless, humourless and offensiveless PG-13 slapstick event.



Sigh, I fucking hate Hollywood.
I believe Richard Kelly wrote it best in Southland Tales. "Just because it's loud doesn't mean it's funny"

Clash Of The Shite-ans

Crass title aside, what can you really say about this much hyped, postponed for supposedly terrible 3Difying 'epic' starring robo-Worthington from Terminator 4 and Avatar, already a shite resume, and directed by Louis Leterrier (The Incredible Hulk, Transporter 2)?
Well, for one, it's 105 minutes long and has a plot that Percy Jackson did better with actual human characters, meaning development, emotion, engaging with the audience, oh, and, well, the modern setting helped add a bit of fresh life to the dying mythical epic breed.

Given 300's success in '07, it's not surprising to see Warner and Legendary Pictures once again shameless traverse the swords and sandals genre, in this case a remake of the 80's flick, which, cos it's an 80's flick, I've avoided like the plague. However, of course, the film 'subtly', and by that I mean shamelessly, reminisces on the original by having Worthington lift the mechanical owl out of a container, enquire about it, then put it back. Why? Because, like 30 Rock before it, this is humour and self-referential genius to these people.

Ok, I hate Worthington, but I was ready to let him warm the cockles of my awesome muscle given the credentials of the director, and the fact that Liam Neeson, Danny (One line) Huston and Ralph (I pronounce it Krah-Kin) Fiennes are gods in it, but the fact that we are offered comic relief characters for no reason, painful dialogue, and lots of it, 3-4 action scene with abhorrent CGI, like half rendered crap, and the editing and directing style of someone having a seizure (No offense, but lets face it, big budget movies CAN afford a fucking tri-pod, and shaky cam isn't realistic, it's annoying, I paid my money, I want to see everything, clearly, with the only camera movements being akin to a ballet with the characters)

It's an overlong short action film that bores the senses and abuses the audience with shoddy attempts at action, a plot so mind-numbing it's impossible to enjoy, and any good actor, Huston, Pete Postelthwaite, are killed off early or ignored in any scene whatsoever.

A completely useless film we've seen time and time again, better before too. Avoid. Avoid like it's The Jonas Brothers.
1/10

How To Know When To See A Dreamworks Animation

Of late animated films have been, well...
Monsters vs Aliens was a terrible attempt at a comedy action with no character development, limited plot, lots of emphasis on poop gags, a 4 minute Axel F. dance and nothing else sans great 3D.

It's nice that Pixar still cares about their output, but, well, the more I see of the Toy Story 3 trailers the more I worry, the poop gags, dumb intermissions, such as the Barbie/Ken love moment in the latest trailer, mentioning eBay brings the fears that more pop culture references will seep in, something that has been kept at bay at Pixar because, akin to Dreamworks' finest film, Kung Fu Panda, they date the movie, are too easy and don't add to the characters, plot or anything, except making a child chuckle in a hollow manner.

This year sees Dreamworks bring out another, thankfully final, Shrek film, which have stunk since they began. I was 11 when I saw Shrek, and I knew it sucked, same way I knew Finding Nemo, not a good film. And alongside that Mastermind, the dumbed down title of 'Oobermind' with Will Ferrel in place of Robert Downey Junior. So, we have a sequel to a pop culture heavy franchise full of big named stars, at the time, and a new comedy animation full of big named stars.

And before we have them, we have How To Train Your Dragon. Based on a book. Biggest names being Jonah Hill (side character), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (side character), Gerard Butler (strong father figure) and America Ferrerra (romantic lead).
And in the lead, none other than the man who owns my funny bone and tickles it consistently with great force, the hysterical, the nerdy awesome Jay Baruchel (From the likes of Tropic Thunder, Knocked Up and Almost Famous).

So, set in a Viking village on the shores, where dragon attacks are frequent, our hero Hiccup, a weedy teenager, is struggling to live up to his strong, mighty father Stoic's reputation, stuck as an apprentice for weapon maker Gobber (Craig Ferguson, who I think is a talk show host in America, from what others say), and Hiccup's feeble attempts at slaying dragons make him mechanically minded.

So, plonk the same premise as Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and about 17,000 films, shows, books into a Viking setting and then focus on the characters, that's what happened here. We know each step of the story well, but that's not a bad thing, we, like the writers, focus more on the details, the lavish sets, amazing shots of flying dragons, breathtaking in fact. The great character building and wonderful jokes that stem from that.
This film is truly fantastic.
And when it gets going, with the titular dragon 'Toothless', whom Hiccup hits with his mechanised net thrower, then forms a bond with, leading to the understanding that all dragons are just defending themselves against the humans, fearful of the big dragon queen.

This film could have descended into random action and easy get outs for all the tough situations the characters find themselves, but thankfully it's an imaginative, well conceived film, and the heart of the story, the friendship that forms between Toothless and Hiccup, is riveting, the best animation you can think of, the silent dragon making animal noises, using his eyes and body language to express his feeling, sumptuous, perfect.

It's about as good a film as you're gonna get this year, and I'm pulling for this one to win the Oscar, I honestly don't think any animated film this year can or will top it.

10/10

Call the Police, I was sold something that wasn't true.

So, here we are, over 6 months after Movie-Con introduced us to a series of perfect clips of upcoming so good it can't be bad superhero caper Kick Ass, with a Q&A by the editor, Jason Flemying and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Now, the finished film is ready to be released, posters everywhere, infinite amount of trailers, and review of positive adoration from the most stern of critics.

So why didn't I enjoy it?

Well, it doesn't help that the ridiculously oversaturated market it's launching itself into has seen all the key moments in numerous trailers posted everywhere, there seems to be a new one every day, add to that the key shocks and jokes, including all of the Hit Girl character, are so well encompassed into a trailer that by the time their first 2 minutes in the film are up, it's all over, that's it, nothing new, nothing more, no character development, just one joke characters, an 11 year old girl who swears and kills, a psychotic father that makes her do that stuff, a comic book geek who turns vigilante, and a mob boss' son who wants in on the violence.

That's all the characters that are close to, ahem, memorable, and as many reviews claimed the characters iconic, the film perfect, I think, someone's been given too much money by universal here.

So, we begin the film as we already know, man on roof, narration about trying to be a superhero, guy jumps, people watch, smashes into a car.
So far, so already overused.
On top of that, the wonderfully iconic Superman theme used as a temp track for Comic and Movie Con clip showings is now gone, something less is in place, no invoking great memories, a real loss, and we go into our lead's school life, nerd who wanks a lot, reads comics, does school work, no luck in love, yawn. Unfortunately, it's not changing into a new direction, like, at all.
Add to that we then have Mark Strong's mob boss, annoyed by 'Batman' figure killing men, he gets angry, tries to work out what's going on. Oh, and his son is a comic book geek and wants in on the family business.
And then there's Big Daddy and Hit Girl, father daughter killing tea, literally nothing to be said here, that's all there is.

So the rise to fame through youtube, and an obsession with the amount of myspace friends, yes, myspace, that Kick Ass has. (All internet chat seems to be done through myspace in this world.)

So, Kick Ass is now looked upon as a hero, more guys die, Boss' son pretends to be a hero to get closer to Kick Ass, it works, then they capture Big Daddy and Kick Ass, Hit Girl kills them all, then big fights ensue.

Aaaaaand that's about it, oh yeah, guy gets girl bs too.

So, the film, whilst it certainly looks good, and stylistically it's wonderful, the 2 hour run time is sapping, and between a series of poorly conceived, uninteresting characters we bounce around between a realistic kid with hopes story to a mayhem filled Hit Girl, Big Daddy schtick. And the writing is piss poor. Like, real bad. If they looked at the script now, the writers should have kicked themselves, cheap easy gags, already severely dated pop culture references and quick dialogue that if I didn't already know things such as the nerve endings of Kick Ass get severed in a car crash, the writing would have confused me with it barely being explained, short of, punch me, see, no pain.

The music is dull, the action scenes are unmistakably bland (I was watching some scenes thinking, I loved this moment in Wanted, when it looked good) and the acting is ok at best. Nic Cage doesn't get back to Adaptation quirky good, he bores through it, Aaron Johnson is dull, Chloe Moretz is nothing special, she's been better and clearly tries too hard here, Mark Strong is a good bad guy, but he has nothing to do, Chris Plasse for the first time really annoyed me, he just wasn't good or entertaining, or watchable.

Nope, nothing here.

Oh yeah, now the spoilers to come.


Like, real spoilers over some key ending moments.

No, seriously, look away now, a picture involved too.

You've been warned.

Fine.

So, the Kick Ass unmasked fight scene, with the 5 minutes of strobe lighting, oh god, painful on the eyes, it's enough the film wasn't good, but to fuck our eyes like that? Bad move. And then they burn Nic Cage alive, I was so tempted to scream "MURDER! This Is murder, you'll all be arrested. Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey!" But, I refrained.

So, when was a film about a kid with no powers who becomes a poor vigilante get so up it's own arse as to forgo how shitty a vigilante he is that he's embraced for being beaten up by a duo of murderers, who then let him take control of a MOTHER FUCKING JETPACK, with fucking gattling guns?
No, sorry. At this point if I wasn't with my friend (Who loved it) I would have genuinely walked out. There's one thing to be kooky and over the top for humour, but to put such emphasis in trying, oh and failing, to make the characters 3D, real and likable, why then do something so outrageous that it destroys all you've attempted to work to?

And the Prodigy music, so overused.

Here's a picture to sum it all up (From a trailer of it no less):






AAAAAND, welcome back.














So, overall, Matthew Vaughn follows up the remarkable Stardust with the appalling, Hancock-esque Kick Ass, that fails to do everything Hancock kinda succeeded at, including making a hero be a youtube phenomenon.
2/10

Fun With Dick & Jim

Jim Carrey. God. Jim Carrey. Morgan Freeman, Jim Carrey man.
Christ, Jim Carrey. Jim Caviezel, Jim Carrey.

Oh, yeah, Ewan McGregor, he's in this one too.

But don't let that put you off.

Nor the vulgar language, the rather silly premise, the odd moments where comedy leaves for more character development, emotional connections, or just comedy leaves to bring a cringe before comedy resurges in genius.

By the time I Love You Phillip Morris was on it's second reel, I didn't care how bad the film would get, the first 20 minutes were fantastic, but they were on a roll and continued.

For a film I've read about for years, waited patiently, watched the trailer, unsure of the tone, finally seeing the whole piece, about a cop turned con-man to pay for his recent coming out of the closet relationships, and eventually landing himself in prison, meeting the love of his life and grifting his way to pay for the good life, I was amazed at how consistent the comedy came, be it slapstick, wit, good use of swearing, mixed with a fast paced plot, with lots of key moments, and some rather dark elements coming forth, including a sequence involving an AIDS related death.

The film is just laugh out loud, and if you're not doing that by the time we see Carrey leap off a building, aiming for a dumpster, and the camera looks over, his body already slammed on the concrete next to it, well, there's no hope for you.

Unlike A Prophet, this isn't the generic prison kind of film, sure it'd be hard to be a comedy drama with heavy issues dealt with, but it doesn't jump for cliche, it uses and plays with it for our amusement.
One wonderful prison sequence has the couple dancing to music played in the cell next door, when all we hear are guards beating the man next door, vulgarities and the music, slightly. The contrast is hysterical and intersting, one of those gem moments that keep a film in the mind.

A fantastic, painfully hysterical film that will probably only be watched because it's advertised like a Jim Carrey movie meets Fantastic Mr. Fox (Judging by the poster).
9/10

The Girl With The Møøse Tattøø

So, another year, another Swedish flick with solid 5 star reviews from absolutely everyone.
Last year there was Let The Right One In, which saw the vampire love story of Twilight get slightly more violent, and give it to pre-pubescent kids, but ultimately, it was the same old crap with subtitles, and thus everyone seemed to adore it.
It's not a theory I'd subscribe to, until I saw A Prophet, and once again, same shit, different language, amazing reviews.

So, leave it to me to realise I should flat out avoid foreign cinema until new films get released, not freshly made, fresh in ideas, as is the problem with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, a two and a half hour journey of an investigation into a disappearance in an incestuous village of rich bastards by a disgraced journalist who brings along a hacker.

Long story short (If only they did that with the film) girl is psycho, only explained in poorly placed flashback of the unnecessary titular character, raped by parole officer, which leads to nothing in terms of plot, or actually character, fights back, goes to work on the case, helps discover the murderer, journalist who she stalks does most of the leg work, gets no character, everything is one dimensional and uninvolved, with the most desperate plot twists and unmistakably cliched 'accident' moments to add compelling drama and tension, which fails constantly.

Yes, I saw the annoying American dubbed version, the subtitled one was already 50 minutes in when I rushed to the cinema, but it doesn't stop the film from being awful, no new ideas, no interesting moments, completely forgettable, but some nice cinematography.

4/10

The Weary Blind Side

Sandra Bullock, she's one of them rom com actors who does absolutely nothing except those once in a while attempts at doing a dramatic role.

Unfortunately side by side with The Proposal (meh) and All About Steve (Razzie Winning role) The Blind Side is giving Bullock her Oscar win, so it seems. So, what's it about? A young tall fat black kid who lives on the sofa of a friend gets adopted by a rich white family in the South, he learns education, becomes a great football player, in American football, and makes money. And at no point does it feel like we should care, be interested in or want this to happen.

This is, no bones about it, an appalling film. It tries to be a Lifetime movie, tears and urban moments, and it's dull, it tries to be a sports comedy, complete with comic talking kid who you want to die early on. It never ever succeeds in being anything but a shoddy piece of cinema begging for an Oscar. Sample line of dialogue that GENUINELY APPEARED:
"Wow, so you're changing this boy's life."
"No, he's changing mine."
Oh wow. This is spoof Oscar movie trailer stuff, the kind on youtube taking the piss out of these films.

And since it's set around 2003,2004 it begs the question Why are there flat screen computer monitors in EVERY classroom, and everywhere? Really? It's a few years too early.

The acting is awful, the film is long, boring, unnecessary, it's an all round appalling film only given Oscar nods because it fellates the Academy in such a white guilt way that Precious did better. Avoid avoid avoid.
1/10

The Obligatory "Oscar Who?" Piece

Yes, I'm an Oscar Grouch, I'm green, fuzzy, live in a bin and hate awards that suck the life out of GOOD film by celebrating $500 million CGI messes. But I have to, we all do, sigh:

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Best Actor: Jeff Bridges
Best Actress: Sandra Bullock
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique
Best Original Screenplay: Inglourious Basterds
Best Adapted Screenplay: Up In The Air
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Animated Short: Wallace & Gromit in A Matter Of Loaf And Death
Best Documentary Feature: The Cove
Best Cinematography: Inglourious Basterds
Best Original Score: Michael Giacchino - Up
Best Editing: The Hurt Locker
Best Art Direction: Avatar
Best Costume Design: Bright Star
Best Make-Up: Star Trek
Best Original Song: The Weary Kind
Best Sound Mixing: Avatar
Best Sound Editing: Avatar
Best Visual Effects: Avatar
Best Foreign Language Film: A Prophet
Best Documentary Short: The Last Truck: Closing Of A GM Plant
Best Short Film, Live Action: The Door

I'm crazy? You're crazy, this whole damn court is crazy!

George A. Romero has given the world the essential horror guide to decomposing corpses shifting and eating humans as survivors scramble through a day, night, dawn, land, diary and survival, but in his side projects he's now got a good sideline in getting money off remakes of these films.

Whilst we'll ignore Day Of The Dead's remake, some sort of direct-to-dvd farce, there's no doubt that Dawn Of The Dead was a surprising remake in that it as entertaining, good, well made. Ok, yes, people seem to adore the original, I get that, it's a solid film, not a personal fave, but it's good. I personally found the modern edition that bit better, it was suitably paced for my modern fast lifestyle (In which I do nothing, quickly), was full of great humour, scares, well placed character moments, music, thanks, in part, of course to James Gunn on writing duties, who redeemed his Scooby Doo work with SLiTHER.

So now they grab a more obscure Romero work, THe Crazies, and bring it to a new audience. After Dawn's success you'd think it would be a hastily put together trashy edition featuring uncaring teens being slaughtered, but Michael Bay produced this is not.

No, shocking as it may be, this film is well done. It has character development, you can actually care about the leads, they seem nice not annoying, it's not obsessed with the 'deaths', instead it's obsessed with the survival. We begin with a glimpse of two days later in Ogden Marsh, burning, trashed, empty.

Then we backtrack, a wonderful day, sun is shining and Sheriff Timothy Olyphant is going to the school baseball game, when farmer and gun appear, is he drunk? No, he can't be, he's been off the wagon for 2 years now. So why is he staying statue before raising and aiming the gun squarely at Sheriff Timothy Olyphant's head? Who knows. Well, the gummimint must do, cos by the next night it's time to be taken away in an aggressive manner by people who seem to know what they are doing, but are actually incompetent young soldiers, odd that they can do a good job one day, then look as amateur as possible the next.

The character change issues also affect deputy Sheriff Deadmeat Ridealong, who suddenly becomes a violent paranoid man after being such a cool, down to earth friend for the first hour of the film, it makes no sense, even if he's 'infected' it doesn't mean he'd turn on a dime, and it's not a slow twist. It's just stupid.

But I digress, the film shouldn't be looked at as a sad waste, because it's not. Not one bit. It's a rare film that doesn't spring for loud noises and jumping scares for the audience to get riled up, in being more thriller with horror elements, it's subtle and understated, moments can be slow and building, like a pitchfork and women tied up, or just creepy, a pan across a room, woman in focus, 'Crazy' blurry in the corner, no BANG to emphasise, just the wonderful image.

This is probably why we see, for the first time in 2 years, the Paramount Vantage logo at the start, no studio would want to have it solely affiliated with their studio logo for fear people would watch it and realise, wait a second, good horror isn't about as much gore and tits and jump scares you can fit into 75 minutes of annoying teens, no, it's about interesting characters in horrible situations and how they try to fend for themselves. And The Crazies does this to a T.

Enthralling, tense, well made, well acted, dark, good elements of humour that don't interfere with the horror moments.
It's everything a good dark horror thriler should be, and a shame that no other film this year in this vein could do such a job.

Also of note, Olyphant can't get away from those lowered floor corridor fight scenes, between Hitman and this it's becoming his trademark, where was it in Die Hard 4.0 and, most importantly, Catch & Release? I know Kevin Smith wouldn't have fit into the corridor, but it coulda been funny.

Still, The Crazies might sadly be ignored for shitter films, you should take it upon yourself to catch this cracking flick in the cinema, well worth it.
9/10

Generic Name & The Overlong Stupidly Named Incident That Sounds Awful

Harry Potter imitators return once more in the guise of Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief, from no less than Chris Columbus himself.

However, whilst Harry Potter had shit actors and an overlong runtime, this compresses a silly idea down enough and layers it on with a stellar cast:
Leading the pack is Logan Lerman, now officially breaking out from his small roles in such films as The Number 23, 3:10 To Yuma, Gamer, and his biggest role in the under-appreciated Meet Bill. Here he's a smart-arse teen who gets wrapped up in a silly plot about Grecian gods and Zeus' lightning bolt, but he continues his calm, cool, charismatic ways that's been slowly growing for years. I'm a fan of this kid, and it's nice to see such a big role hasn't stopped him doing what he does best. I honestly hope he does get the Spider-man role, he'll do wonders.

Catherine Keener is his mother, another stint of matriarchal work from the ever beautiful, excellent Keener. Who cares what her role is, it's Keener, and she has some screen-time, enough for me not to get sucked in to the others as well.
And who could play the step-dad scumbag but Joey Pants. the awesome Joe Pantoliano, why would he be in this film? Who knows, but why ask when you can enjoy him in his too short, but good work in this film.

Then there's Alpa Chino himself, Brandon T. Jackson as Percy's best friend and goat footed protector, proving he's still funny without being surrounded by some great comic talent, he knocks it out the park in being entertaining to watch, even if he gets too little time to be really fun, but that's the tonal problem of this film.
Then there's Sean Bean as Zeus, small role, silly really, but it's Sean Bean as Zeus, 'nuff said. Pierce Brosnan is either wheelchair bound or a centaur when we see him, having fun in a silly Obi Wan role, he does little, but it's wild man beard Brosnan with horse body.
Hades is portrayed by a very Russell Brand looking Steve Coogan, who has no where near enough time, and seems to be making a career in small roles in kids films. Wonder when he'll sell Partridge and the Calf family to kids, maybe this Partridge film will be an animated feature set in a CGI 3D Norwich.
Hades has his own Persephone with the ever gorgeous Rosario Dawson, who appears and straight away touches up Brandon T. Jackson, who resists! Which takes you right out of the movie. It's Rosario Dawson, even though it's not, anyone who looks like Rosario Dawson, you don't shrug away. Honestly.

Oh yeah, and Uma Thurman hams it up well as Medusa, light and fun in her scene, wonder if she'll be back in the sequel...

So, that's the cast, one hell of a cast. And it's a shame that such an amazing group of talents can't help a film that takes itself far too seriously, in this case, I was hoping that they'd play along but in a light, sarcastic, cynical nature that the opening 15 minutes contained in full force, it had elements where it was trying to be serious, but also alluded to the idea that perhaps it's too silly to be really serious in all nature, but then the next hour and a bit really nails a serious tone, which I have a hassle with since it's very very much unrealistic, too much for seriousness in real life.

Still, that's Columbus, he'll learn to find his humourous parts again soon, right? Ah well, the CGI was awful, for a film like this it needed better graphics, then again it was dropped into the February slot. I know if they make a sequel I would watch, the cast is impeccable but it needs to be less serious, more comical, the cast is mostly from comic backgrounds of some kind.

Still, it's not a bad film, it has some grand moments, and it showcases Lerman as a talent people will hopefully take note of now.
7/10

Do good things and good things happen. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Khan.

"My name is Khan and I'm not a terrorist"
These are the key words to the film, similar to "My name is Harvey Milk, and I'm here to recruit you", the statement is used umpteen hundred times, constantly trying to sound powerful, but coming off as odd and quickly written.

But, that's really all I can say against this monumental film.

We start in San Francisco international airport, a man enters, big backpack, eyes diverted from everything, rustling rocks in his hand, muttering words in a foreign language. Quick as a button he is escorted by security to a cell, searched all over, bag and clothes. He's cleared, eventually, and tells them he's going to meet the President. He first utters the line, to an astounding thump from the film's soundtrack.
After that we see periodically Rizwan Khan's travels around the US trying to meet Bush and tell him he is not a terrorist just because he is of the Islamic faith. He writes letters to a woman, detailing his life from a young child in India, suffering from an as yet undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome, his mother cares for him, his brother hates having no attention. Rizwan is a genius child, he feels no emotions, he can't look anyone in the eyes, he hates yellow, loud noises, new places, but he's a genius.

Whence he gets to San Francisco he works fro his brother, selling beauty products to stylists, wherein he meets the love of his life, Mandira. The following 20 minutes are a light, breezy attempt at romcom, he has to find something in the city she's never seen and she'll marry him, silly but fun.

Everything is going so well until about an hour and a bit in, when the September 11th attacks happen, and bang, everything goes to shit.

Post-Intermission we get the biggest gut punch for a long time, where The Lovely Bones failed, My Name Is Khan succeeds in a violent child attack.
For the rest of the film Rizwan is traversing the country, helping people, breaking stereotypes in the minds of Americans, and as some news people follow his story, he becomes famous for his good deeds and efforts.

The film is remarkable, it's long, real long, but it never lets up pace, there is a clear divide in the two parts, but it works well, and separates the lighter moments and the real wonderful melodrama of the piece. Not one shot in the film ISN'T meticulously conceived, a thing of beauty, each shot is astounding in itself, and I for one hope a good blu ray release happens for this film.

The music is loud and sublime, the acting solid all over, the script fantastic, if a bit cheesy, but it's forgivable, and the only weak casting choice is having an appalling Obama impersonator who can't impersonate, and yet they got Bush so right.

This is a wonderful film, words will never express the brilliance, just, go and see it, find it and see it, I don't care who you are, just do it, it's funny, dark, powerful, moving, beautiful, sublime, an all round amazing film.
10/10

Hey, I paid to see a Disney film, I put on my 3D glasses, and it's all, like, flat.

So, finally, 6 years after, ahem, "Home on the Range", Disney returns to 2D after an overlong sidestep into CG works, giving us Chicken Little, Meet The Robinsons and Bolt, three exhaustively lacking films, we find Disney almost pleading with the audience to give them a second chance with The Princess & The Frog, and you know what, it's not an awful, soulless piece of quick buck entertainment like the stupid Direct-To-DVD sequels we ignore forever.
No, The Princess & The Frog is not perfect, the songs, in fact, are uninspired for the most part and not memorable, but the comedy can be wonderful, the characterisation is fantastic, the animation a thing of beauty, an inspired 20's style restaurant song and dance featuring high-society style sketches is gorgeous, and some of the characters, inspired.

Who'd have thought watching the opening 15 minutes that at one point the Prince and the young woman would encounter a crazy firefly who would not only be hysterical, but a wonderful emotional tent-pole to the proceedings? Or how dark the Shadowman could be, and the voodoo sequences scary and well done? When a crocodile playing the trombone isn't annoying and is, in actual fact, a wondrous addition to an already well done We're in this together so whilst we hate each other, we'll keep staying together plot, alongside a hysterical cut away to a river boat jazz group, you know Disney are coming back to form.

It's not all perfect, the closing 30 minutes are a little too generic, understandable, yes, but easily avoided, and the John Goodman and his daughter character, rich white tycoon and princess-style daughter, were mere one note characters where at least a further dimension was nearly hinted at at points, could have been better done, it doesn't matter.

Kudos, by the way, to Keith David for his Shadowman performance, the best song in the film, the best character sans Ray the firefly, poor guy, and, well, he's got such a voice, I like to point it out every so often.

Magical, entertaining, heartwarming and wonderful, a must see for anyone and everyone, kids or not, even people as cynical as me, if not moreso, will find something to enjoy.
8/10

An animated film about saving the environment, no, not Avatar again.

Ponyo On the Cliff By the Sea, or Ponyo as the distributors butchered it to, is the latest film to eventually make it's way across from the land of the Pan, with a big Ja in front of it, in the guise of Studio Ghibli's numero uno, Hayao Miyazaki.
Anyone familiar with his works will know how great his films can be, smart, funny, touching, beautiful, sometimes scary and tense, he can craft a wonderful tale without fear that a slow pace will lose all enthusiasm, in fact, the 2 hour Spirited Away isn't fast at all, but is ridiculously perfect, one of the finest films ever made.

And here in lies the problem.
I loved Spirited Away, I enjoyed My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke, Howl's Moving Castle, not so much. So I was looking forward to, what everyone proclaimed, a triumphant return to brilliance from Miyazaki with Ponyo.
I guess I'm just not understanding critics anymore. The film began with 4 minutes of odd underwater moments, a human, Liam Neeson, bad acting, is working on making fish, and Ponyo escapes.
The rest of the plot is this: fish meets boy, fish loves boy, fish taken home, fish becomes girl, girl loves boy, boy loves girl, 50 minutes of rooting around an island until they can have a happy ending, without any semblance of threat or danger.
It may be a pleasant, easy watch, but it's not interesting, engaging or well done. The animation can be breathtaking, but it can also be simplistic to a point where it feels weak, the dubbing can be good, but awful too, Ponyo has frequent moments in which her mouth opens and the girl's voice lets out a silly sigh to fill the gap.
Matt Damon is listed high up for having, what, 5 lines, as a dad away from home who, as it happens, has no relevance to the plot. Neither do the old women characterised by Lily Tomlin, Cloris Leachman and the awesome Betty White. Hell, Cate Blanchett's mercy spirit mother thing comes in about an hour in to magically fix any danger that just occurred, no problems.

As Ponyo is taken by the young boy, there are about 5 moments in the 5 minute sequence where he worries she has died, all involving her squirting water out, I fear that's one of the 'comic' elements like the old biddies, which is not funny, like, at all. As is a long sequence involving a baby's evil face.

The level of humour is low, the level of entertainment is low, and it's disastrous to see such an iconic legend making such an awful awful film, and getting praise for it.
And if that wasn't bad enough, Liam Neeson keeps complaining about humans ruining the ocean, we get it, environment is good, humans are bad, enough self-deprecating, we're the dominant species, lets act like them. In fact, I believe Rodeney Dangerfield said it best: "Hey, we're all gonna get laid" so shut the frak up.
3/10

I am the eggman, I am the wolfman, a coo coo cachoo a coo cachoo.

So, it's been abut 4 years since Universal put The Wolfman in full swing, I remember being in college and reading that the original director left during pre-production, fearing Brett Ratner's involvement, intrigued by what James Mangold would do, and being rather meh over Joe Johnson's hiring.

I never had an issue with Benecio Del Toro in the lead, I knew he loved The Wolfman and, well, this picture sums it up:

Just look at him. A perfect villain from the 40's, shaggy, slightly to imperfectly perfect, and yet you know you can't trust him.

And his voice. Oh that voice.
Unfortunately that single image has more gravitas than the whole of the finally released Wolfman 2008.

Whilst Benecio tries, he has little to do, a character written so dull that he's not only 1D, he's also left walking around the whole time, how can we care about the plight of he unwanted curse if the person behind the beast is so uninteresting?

The problem of uninterest hits the usually remarkable Emily Blunt, she still looks as bloody beautiful as ever, but the Kiera Knightey performance given is so painfully dull, more than a little restrained, and once more, no emotional connection.

Fortunately Anthony Hopkins as the father of Benecio is wonderful, a little crazy, a bit silly, very restrained, but weird, and entertaining. As is Hugo Weavin'g underused Police inspector. It's Hugo Weaving with a gun, a tache and on the hunt for a wolf beast, simple and well done.

It's a shame that the film's aesthetics are wonderful too, it's a well shot film, sans the horrible CGI, it looks brilliant, and has the creepy, near monotone look that could be recalled to the olden days, the music is a bit more generic, but Danny Elfman is pretty much stuck at that nowadays.

The practical effects look good. I mean real good. It's a shame they used so much CGI, not only does it ruin the brilliance of hiding in the shadows, barely seeing the evil, making things creepier, but the transformation would have been far better if it weren't CGI, it takes away from all believability.

It seems that studios are too scared to not use CGI in films these days, for fear I guess that without it everything looks silly. I saw clips without CGI back in 2008, and that was cracking stuff, subtle and simple. And with the 2 year wait, it seems that they edited the film so much to make it a much more modern film. The CGi is just part and parcel of it, the annoying jump scares which are too obvious and never work are in full force here, whereas a slow creep would have been spine-tingling, we just have a dog constantly barking as a scare, it's like freaking Daybreakers, and then mixing that with some slow, unfortunately poorly written scenes which have a more old fashioned way of going about business, and then some 80's schlock gore, mostly CGI too it seems, or at least caked in red computer pixels. The tone's constant shifting never helps, and a full 5 minutes near the end of Benecio hunting around the mansion waiting for the next loud noise scare is absolutely stupid, at no point did I care or get scared, and it's a shame that this film culd never offer me something I've been waiting years for.

Here's an image of Benecio after he realises what the end result is:



As bad as Dorian Gray.
2/10

Michael Cera revolting? I agree.

Mickey Cera has been failing to top himself for years.
I'm surprised he didn't once he realised he was in Year One.

But Cera has been playing the same schtick for too long, awkward nerdy tee trying to get laid.
And it was good when it was fresh. The unwrapped marvel of George Michael Bluth, not the singer songwriter, who awkwardly fell in love with his cousin, and then the most boring girl on the planet. Her?
So when Superbad came out I was all aquiver, Cera's big break. Superbad remains a disappointment, bland, dull, the acting is hit and miss, and the breakthroughs came from Christopher Mitz-Plasse and Bill Hader.
Cera then made Juno, where he and Jason Bateman were in the same film together. It was, however, an overwhelming failure.
As was Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, and of course, eugh, Year One.

So it's nice to say Youth In Revolt has the best Michael Cera I've seen since Lucille was arrested in 2006.
Cera plays Nick Twisp, an awkward 16 year old who is 'too nice' for the girls, who want bad guys. He meets one girl who likes as many pretentious things as he, the script was not written with normal teens in mind, only the indie kids that don't exist, at least not in the most extreme nature they do on film. Only problem is she has a boyfriend and he has to move away. So, in a plan she can get his father a job nearby if Twisp can get kicked out of the house. He does this by inventing an alter ego full of evil, Francois Dillinger.

Michael Cera with a John Waters mustache smoking and acting nasty, it's actually rather hysterical, and when the two Ceras interact you forget it's one person playing them, similar to Sam Rockwell last year, two solid performances from the same person make your forget so easily.

Though Cera is fantastic in this, his co-stars are top notch too, included in this group are Steve Buscemi as his father. Fred Willard as an activist neighbour, when is Willard bad? Even with a bad script he brings the funny, as evidenced here. Justin Long briefly appears as a drugged up brother to Cera's love. Zach Galifianakis is nasty and grimy as Twisp's mother's lover in the opening, who escapes post-return home, after a long series of events.
Ray Liotta is a police officer who hooks up with Twisp's mother, and eventually calls for Twisp's arrest once they break up.

But with such a cast, it can't retain quality, as the film's 90 minutes running time is full of scenarios that it has to overcome, within that time Cera is forced away from home for fear that Galifianakis will be beaten up by sailors, meets a girl, goes home, invents a new self, blows up a restaurant, lives with his father takes a trip to the other side of America to visit the girl, get sent home, convince another girl to help get his love expelled, go home, evade police, fake death, make love to his love, get arrrested, all in 90 minutes.

It's an over padded film with lots of strands that go nowhere and offer no laughs, which is a shame as some scenes are hysterical, but as the film drags on, it gets heavier and heavier to a point where it's ridiculous and plodding. Like Edge Of Darkness, this was an adaptation, though of a book this time, but why do these films think retaining EVERYTHING makes it a good film? Tighten it up, have a straight focus, and don't make it seem so different if in the end it's as bland and generic as any film.
5/10