Yes, it's another sequel to a film that's had it's basic premise abused for 3 more movies than it should now, but having never watched them I went in fresh for The Final Destination, a film containing characters so paper thin that it's easy to understand how they get impaled or squished or cut apart that easily.
David R. Ellis offers no likeable characters in the film, and using the basic structural highlights of Snakes on a Plane, he gives us shitty CGI, bad dialogue, stupid unrealistic scenarios and a wealth of bad actors.
You have the main guy, who sees the deaths, and his girlfriend, they are happy people, then his best friend, a man more 1-D than possible, and her friend, an unnecessary bitch, then the Black guy who doubles up as the smart one, and a wealth of others who just happened to get deaths too.
For a 78 minute film, plus credits, the opening premonition and subsequent set-up is about 12 minutes long, and then there's a wonderful CGI X-ray title sequence looking at highlight deaths from the previous 3.
And then we return to the film in question, and lots of CGI blood and gore, silly macguffins, laughable moments and amazing 3-D, many people in the audience batted pieces of paper away from their eyes it felt that real-ish.
The film isn't serious, and certainly isn't a horror, it's a thriller, and a bad one, there's limited tension and nothing interesting, but you don't care, it's all about seeing people die in more and more ridiculously over the top ways that question logic and gravity, and have a good freaking laugh as things pop out in 3-D.
And I loved it, it was silly, violent, bad and everything I enjoy in a bad film, one to enjoy for fun, and in 3-D too, well worth a trip to the cinema.
10/10
Friday 28 August 2009
I haven't got a bomb strapped to my chest, I work for the national trust!
Katheryn Bigelow is an odd mistress, she's surprisingly pushing 60 and looking as young as a 40 year old, and her films are all dark, violent and testosterone filled.
She's a testament to her gender, hell, she made Point Break. Point Break!
Young, Dumb and Full of Come, Johnny Utah, Gary Buesy, it's brilliant!
And she's back with a new film, another Iraq war film, eugh, I know, but this one isn't about the public consensus, the politics of the situation, it's just about a group of men in the situation, and how they face up to it every day, following them as they deactivate bombs.
And by golly is it brilliant. It's more a series of vignettes featuring the same characters in different situations, but that's what you expect, day to day life not a plot about a kidnapped soldier or a murder investigation, there are bombs, they deactivate them, they go back, drink, have a laugh, go out the next day and do it all over again.
By the end of this film you'll be lucky to have a fingernail remaining, nerve-shredding doesn't do it justice, you're there in the action, one false move and it's all over, as noted by the first sequence, starring Guy Pearce of all people.
And he's not the only big name, David Morse has a small role as a dark officer who shoots an insurgent instead of giving him medical support, even Ralph Fiennes appears for a shootout sequence that is so scary you don't know who will survive.
And that's the key to this film. It's all about who will make it out alive, and why they do what they do, with a wonderful heartfelt conversation at the end with two of the team just thinking about what they leave behind if they make that one wrong snip.
It's fast, it's tense, and it somehow makes 2 hours 15 minutes whizz by, a true gem, it looks amazing, sounds amazing, the score is heavy guitars and puts you in the moment, the acting is fantastic and real, and it's just a stunning piece of work that I can't praise enough, I urge you to see this film!
10/10
She's a testament to her gender, hell, she made Point Break. Point Break!
Young, Dumb and Full of Come, Johnny Utah, Gary Buesy, it's brilliant!
And she's back with a new film, another Iraq war film, eugh, I know, but this one isn't about the public consensus, the politics of the situation, it's just about a group of men in the situation, and how they face up to it every day, following them as they deactivate bombs.
And by golly is it brilliant. It's more a series of vignettes featuring the same characters in different situations, but that's what you expect, day to day life not a plot about a kidnapped soldier or a murder investigation, there are bombs, they deactivate them, they go back, drink, have a laugh, go out the next day and do it all over again.
By the end of this film you'll be lucky to have a fingernail remaining, nerve-shredding doesn't do it justice, you're there in the action, one false move and it's all over, as noted by the first sequence, starring Guy Pearce of all people.
And he's not the only big name, David Morse has a small role as a dark officer who shoots an insurgent instead of giving him medical support, even Ralph Fiennes appears for a shootout sequence that is so scary you don't know who will survive.
And that's the key to this film. It's all about who will make it out alive, and why they do what they do, with a wonderful heartfelt conversation at the end with two of the team just thinking about what they leave behind if they make that one wrong snip.
It's fast, it's tense, and it somehow makes 2 hours 15 minutes whizz by, a true gem, it looks amazing, sounds amazing, the score is heavy guitars and puts you in the moment, the acting is fantastic and real, and it's just a stunning piece of work that I can't praise enough, I urge you to see this film!
10/10
Roads? Where We're Going, We May Not Require Them.
So, Eric Bana eh, what happened to him? Chopper, stand up, Incredible Hulk, Jewish avenger, Funny Person...
And now, in the oddly named The Time Traveler's Wife he plays a man who from a young age in a tragic car crash can somehow travel time, and as things happen to him and people who met him years ago meet up once more only to find that he doesn't know them yet, it's a convoluted romance drama about Eric Bana and a long crush of his in Rachel McAdams, who thankfully isn't the lead unlike the title's suggestion, and it's a tale of one man's irregular problem, he can't control it, and how it affects the ones he loves.
For the first 30 minutes nothing is really explained about what happens that makes him travel, and as it leads to a big wedding scene I personally was beginning to feel that if we get no explanation about this odd behaviour the film will be another chick flick with no sense, a Lake House if you will. Somehow during a series of moments involving different aged Banas doing the wedding reception I got lost in the interest of the character too much to care, and from then on out the drama of one man who can't control his problem alongside an annoyingly, and very suddenly bitchy, wife became something I wanted to watch.
Yes the film's script is dripping with cliche dialogue, contrived scenarios and deus ex machina but it's Eric Bana's showcase and he show's off a lot, his humour, heart, emotion, I was enthralled by this man's journey, especially the darker turns and a heartwrenching moment where he goes into the future 10 years and meets his daughter.
This isn't My Sister's Keeper "Look, dying girl, audience, CRY AT MY COMMAND!" instead it's a sweet, oddly dark drama that avoids asking questions but softly touches upon subjects that are all too real in an odd inventive way.
Add to that the director's obvious visual flares, Bana falls on the floor as he disappears, we fall with him, a long tracking shot of a house through the ages from birth of daughter to 5th birthday, it's these wonderful flourishes that help raise this film above a generic studio romance for the gals, instead it feels like, although a bit bad in the acting of everyone sans Bana, a solid little film that's rather lovely.
7/10
And now, in the oddly named The Time Traveler's Wife he plays a man who from a young age in a tragic car crash can somehow travel time, and as things happen to him and people who met him years ago meet up once more only to find that he doesn't know them yet, it's a convoluted romance drama about Eric Bana and a long crush of his in Rachel McAdams, who thankfully isn't the lead unlike the title's suggestion, and it's a tale of one man's irregular problem, he can't control it, and how it affects the ones he loves.
For the first 30 minutes nothing is really explained about what happens that makes him travel, and as it leads to a big wedding scene I personally was beginning to feel that if we get no explanation about this odd behaviour the film will be another chick flick with no sense, a Lake House if you will. Somehow during a series of moments involving different aged Banas doing the wedding reception I got lost in the interest of the character too much to care, and from then on out the drama of one man who can't control his problem alongside an annoyingly, and very suddenly bitchy, wife became something I wanted to watch.
Yes the film's script is dripping with cliche dialogue, contrived scenarios and deus ex machina but it's Eric Bana's showcase and he show's off a lot, his humour, heart, emotion, I was enthralled by this man's journey, especially the darker turns and a heartwrenching moment where he goes into the future 10 years and meets his daughter.
This isn't My Sister's Keeper "Look, dying girl, audience, CRY AT MY COMMAND!" instead it's a sweet, oddly dark drama that avoids asking questions but softly touches upon subjects that are all too real in an odd inventive way.
Add to that the director's obvious visual flares, Bana falls on the floor as he disappears, we fall with him, a long tracking shot of a house through the ages from birth of daughter to 5th birthday, it's these wonderful flourishes that help raise this film above a generic studio romance for the gals, instead it feels like, although a bit bad in the acting of everyone sans Bana, a solid little film that's rather lovely.
7/10
You wanna be a comedian? But you're not funny!
Judd Apatow has enjoyed overwhelming success since Anchorman hit the scene, his films have grossed insane amounts for comedies, especially with relatively low budgets on all of them, that is, of course, until this year, Year One was expensive, rubbish and fell flat on it's face, Funny People, his latest directorial film, and another step closer to the mature drama tone that was introduced in Knocked Up, cost $70 million somehow, and dropped in the cinema at number one, but the next weekend was all but gone, and there's a damn good reason for this.
Funny People is a 2 hour 20 minute drama about a complete prick played by Adam Sandler who is famous for bad comedy films and his sole joke throughout the film is about looking at Seth Rogen's penis.
Seth Rogen is a boring nerd who is thinner than ever, living with a successful TV show star, Jason Schwartzmen, and an annoying, competitive prick, Jonah Hill. He wants to make money from his comedy, Sandler wants him to write for him, ipso facto, they work together, then Sandler finds his cancer isn't too bad, then he finds an old flame in Leslie Mann and her hubby Eric Bana, the one good thing this film has, and then he returns to his normal life, not learning anything, not being sympathetic, interesting or anything important for an audience to connect and take interest in.
With an extended run time the pacing is way off, I nearly fell asleep about 5 times, and wouldn't have missed a damn thing, it's all filler with no plot, like deleted scenes or a line-o-rama without any of the jokes.
Now, I love Rogen, Sandler, Schwartzmen, Bana, Apatow, and Hill, who was hysterical when he introduced the film live, but this film is a shambles, it's not dramatic enough to be interesting, the comedy ruins the dramatic moments, and the comedy is rubbish, it's scatalogical humour as always, but it's very much ignorant, awful, stupid comedy, not clever one liners or solid punch lines.
The film is a blow to the Apatow brand like no other, an awful waste of space, and I hope Apatow returns to a solid mix of drama in genuinely funny and WELL PACED!!!!!! films one day.
3/10
Funny People is a 2 hour 20 minute drama about a complete prick played by Adam Sandler who is famous for bad comedy films and his sole joke throughout the film is about looking at Seth Rogen's penis.
Seth Rogen is a boring nerd who is thinner than ever, living with a successful TV show star, Jason Schwartzmen, and an annoying, competitive prick, Jonah Hill. He wants to make money from his comedy, Sandler wants him to write for him, ipso facto, they work together, then Sandler finds his cancer isn't too bad, then he finds an old flame in Leslie Mann and her hubby Eric Bana, the one good thing this film has, and then he returns to his normal life, not learning anything, not being sympathetic, interesting or anything important for an audience to connect and take interest in.
With an extended run time the pacing is way off, I nearly fell asleep about 5 times, and wouldn't have missed a damn thing, it's all filler with no plot, like deleted scenes or a line-o-rama without any of the jokes.
Now, I love Rogen, Sandler, Schwartzmen, Bana, Apatow, and Hill, who was hysterical when he introduced the film live, but this film is a shambles, it's not dramatic enough to be interesting, the comedy ruins the dramatic moments, and the comedy is rubbish, it's scatalogical humour as always, but it's very much ignorant, awful, stupid comedy, not clever one liners or solid punch lines.
The film is a blow to the Apatow brand like no other, an awful waste of space, and I hope Apatow returns to a solid mix of drama in genuinely funny and WELL PACED!!!!!! films one day.
3/10
John Hughes is dead, his basic ideas live on, stolen, if you will.
So day 2 of the Con, Downey's glorious face appeared once more for Iron Man 2 footage, what could be more exciting? Sure the prospect of Avatar footage later on, which turned out to be shit, but I digress, a non-secret screening of Adventureland, that's still not out in the UK yet, occurred, a film that was a critical success but commercial failure, about 1 hour and 50 minutes too long considering it's near 2 hour run time.
The trailers made it a light comedy coming of age film from Greg Mottolla, most notably the helmer of Superbad, a film that is already tired and dull, in reality it's a dark drama with people being punched in the balls as it's jokes, about a young man who has to work at a bad theme park to earn money, as you do, and ends up hanging out with Martin Starr's gloomy oddity, sultry slut Kristen Stewart and a group of 80's and teen cliches that are relatively 'wafer thin'.
He's a virgin, by choice, he's got unsupportive parents, he's got a friend who just hits him in the balls, one dimensional like them all, and he's got limited direction. For a summer he has some partying and stuff, so he goes to a party, supplies the drugs, then it all becomes a relationship film about two boring people surrounded by people who are dull as hell.
Jesse Eisenberg was the lead in two of my favourite films, Roger Dodger and The Squid And The Whale, both with him as the neurotic teen virgin character trying to lose it, again he does that schtick, but the script is awful, it's got no jokes, plot, direction or interest in the characters, things happen, but there's no effect on the audiences, it's just one of the kinds of films I can't stand, it's boring, depressing, and with a solid cast it's shockingly uninteresting.
1/10
The trailers made it a light comedy coming of age film from Greg Mottolla, most notably the helmer of Superbad, a film that is already tired and dull, in reality it's a dark drama with people being punched in the balls as it's jokes, about a young man who has to work at a bad theme park to earn money, as you do, and ends up hanging out with Martin Starr's gloomy oddity, sultry slut Kristen Stewart and a group of 80's and teen cliches that are relatively 'wafer thin'.
He's a virgin, by choice, he's got unsupportive parents, he's got a friend who just hits him in the balls, one dimensional like them all, and he's got limited direction. For a summer he has some partying and stuff, so he goes to a party, supplies the drugs, then it all becomes a relationship film about two boring people surrounded by people who are dull as hell.
Jesse Eisenberg was the lead in two of my favourite films, Roger Dodger and The Squid And The Whale, both with him as the neurotic teen virgin character trying to lose it, again he does that schtick, but the script is awful, it's got no jokes, plot, direction or interest in the characters, things happen, but there's no effect on the audiences, it's just one of the kinds of films I can't stand, it's boring, depressing, and with a solid cast it's shockingly uninteresting.
1/10
You were just a Basterd from a Basket!
I did my Tarantino run in the lead up to his latest, and you know what I realised? I don't really like any of them.
No.
Reservoir dogs loses pace by minute 35, Pulp Fiction is a bloated self-absorbed attempt at something it couldn't reach, Jackie Brown is arduous and unnecessarily long, Kill Bill, well, it has it's moments, but they are mismanaged and in between excessively long moments of pointlessness, Death Proof, nuff said.
Tarantino's best work was True Romance, and he didn't direct it.
So, I was worried, and the first time I didn't like the Basterds. It was after a day that featured District 9, Mcovin', a Python and an appearance from Pearly King Guy Ritchie and his new wife Robert Downey Jr. That' a lot to live up to, and when a ideo intro by Tarantino proclaimed we were some of the first to see this film I called bullshit like everyone else, it had nationwide previews that weekend.
But as the screenings have progressed I got used to it, the opening sequence gets shorter each time as Christopher Waltz chews the French farm as he hunts down the Jews under the floorboards, Brad Pitt's silly Italian accent, Eli Roth's batting skills, The brilliant use of David Bowie, the film as a whole is brilliant. It's not perfect, however.
The dialogue tends to drag with Shoshanna as she ends up being sucked in to hosting the premiere of Goebbell's new film, starring a soldier who killed almost 300 Allies over a 3 day period, who takes a liking to her instantly. From that everything zips off, the plan to blow up the cinema and eliminate the entire Nazi headliners for what they did to her family, the Basterds preparing their own brand of justice, even in a long scene in a bar with Michael Fassbender's ridiculously English officer under the guise of a German captain, leading to the inevitable explosion of violence, flows far faster than the heavy handed way that Chapter 3 is done, which is painfully boring at times when it could have lots more intrigue, tension and emotion.
As is the case, the film gets better as it picks itself up to the end, with a big sequence between Brad Pitt, B.J. Novak and Chris Waltz negotiating an end to the war, and in truly original style, the ending isn't exactly what we were taught happened.
The soundtrack is exquisite, the use of Bowie is brilliant, Ennio Morricone's stuff works wonders, the memorable opening and closing songs hummable all the time, the tense tunes, the superfluous ones too are well chosen as always, solid work here.
The film looks great, all natural, nothing CGI feeling, just the right style, the acting is universally great, from Mike Myers' scene stealing stiff upper lip to Mr. Waltz's Oscar winning work, and I assure you if he doesn't get the supporting Actor gong there'll be some serious furor, no pun intended, here. Brad Pitt is notably very funny, sometimes hard to comprehend, but he does his job, and the gals, well, they do the kicking ass stuff, and do enough to maintain the dignity needed.
Overall it's a great if not perfect film that isn't quite WW2 as much as Oh Man I Want Him To Explode For No Reason!
10/10
No.
Reservoir dogs loses pace by minute 35, Pulp Fiction is a bloated self-absorbed attempt at something it couldn't reach, Jackie Brown is arduous and unnecessarily long, Kill Bill, well, it has it's moments, but they are mismanaged and in between excessively long moments of pointlessness, Death Proof, nuff said.
Tarantino's best work was True Romance, and he didn't direct it.
So, I was worried, and the first time I didn't like the Basterds. It was after a day that featured District 9, Mcovin', a Python and an appearance from Pearly King Guy Ritchie and his new wife Robert Downey Jr. That' a lot to live up to, and when a ideo intro by Tarantino proclaimed we were some of the first to see this film I called bullshit like everyone else, it had nationwide previews that weekend.
But as the screenings have progressed I got used to it, the opening sequence gets shorter each time as Christopher Waltz chews the French farm as he hunts down the Jews under the floorboards, Brad Pitt's silly Italian accent, Eli Roth's batting skills, The brilliant use of David Bowie, the film as a whole is brilliant. It's not perfect, however.
The dialogue tends to drag with Shoshanna as she ends up being sucked in to hosting the premiere of Goebbell's new film, starring a soldier who killed almost 300 Allies over a 3 day period, who takes a liking to her instantly. From that everything zips off, the plan to blow up the cinema and eliminate the entire Nazi headliners for what they did to her family, the Basterds preparing their own brand of justice, even in a long scene in a bar with Michael Fassbender's ridiculously English officer under the guise of a German captain, leading to the inevitable explosion of violence, flows far faster than the heavy handed way that Chapter 3 is done, which is painfully boring at times when it could have lots more intrigue, tension and emotion.
As is the case, the film gets better as it picks itself up to the end, with a big sequence between Brad Pitt, B.J. Novak and Chris Waltz negotiating an end to the war, and in truly original style, the ending isn't exactly what we were taught happened.
The soundtrack is exquisite, the use of Bowie is brilliant, Ennio Morricone's stuff works wonders, the memorable opening and closing songs hummable all the time, the tense tunes, the superfluous ones too are well chosen as always, solid work here.
The film looks great, all natural, nothing CGI feeling, just the right style, the acting is universally great, from Mike Myers' scene stealing stiff upper lip to Mr. Waltz's Oscar winning work, and I assure you if he doesn't get the supporting Actor gong there'll be some serious furor, no pun intended, here. Brad Pitt is notably very funny, sometimes hard to comprehend, but he does his job, and the gals, well, they do the kicking ass stuff, and do enough to maintain the dignity needed.
Overall it's a great if not perfect film that isn't quite WW2 as much as Oh Man I Want Him To Explode For No Reason!
10/10
There's a Lot of secrets in the secret screening
Ok, so, picture the scene, in the middle of London after being there for 3 hours, early on we have Terry Gilliam standing up and presenting mini clips of his latest film, then a full on Q&A where he gets really involved, then some very very fucking exciting clips of Matthew Vaughn's Kick-Ass in which a 7 year old girl calls a groups of people with weapons cunts and then proceeds to slice and dice, and without warning Jason Felmying and Christopher Mintz-Plasse appear for a light Q&A where it proves McLovin' is just as funny in real life.
How does one react when a secret screening begins with all that fun beforehand?
Well, sitting in our seats the Tristar logo appears, some whispers, then the QED logo, more whispers, we've seen them before, but where? Finally Peter Jackson Presents"
MASSIVE
FREAKING
APPLAUSE!
I whooped and I hollered like I was at the Drafthouse, and I was not ashamed nor alone, District Freaking 9, yes it was out in America already, but we'd have to wait until September 4th otherwise,
So we settled in, chuckles, claps, gasps, 'ew's, but mainly the audience just got stuck in.
The film begins with some interviews, documentary footage looking at the history of the Alien ship appearing, what happened, why the aliens were forced onto Earth, stuck in a refugee camp and treated like animals, and some nice stuff about 'what happened' that hasn't happened yet for us watching as the story plays out. Opening and staying almost completely in a documentary style for the first 30 minutes is what kills the film a bit.
We have our lead in Merwe, a normal guy with a sense of humour who is promoted because he's married to the boss' daughter, he is part of a government agency in Johannesburg who's sole purpose is working with the aliens, and the day we join him he is making them sign letters of eviction so they can be moved from the shanty town in District 9 to a smaller place, some of them seem more unwilling than others, and in it we see tempers rise and the attitudes of the MNU agents.
The use of CGI aliens and not making them monsters but sentient beings who act like you'd expect in their situation not only makes it a far superior film, but also makes it a breakthrough in sci-fi, a proper R rated CGI sci-fi that's not all about the explosions and tits, transformers, but more about social commentary and relationships between different beings, get it, it's about how we react to those different to us.
As we progress and get away from the documentary we see two radical 'prawns', an informal name for the aliens, making a weapon to attack the humans with, one that poor Mewes finds and accidentally triggers, leading him to have some side effects, and become the hunted like the Prawns, eventually hiding in District 9 with them, and making an alliance with the weapon's creator, Christopher Johnson.
And here's the best part of the film, a fully CGI character, in a film where the CGI is sadly a little lackluster, really makes you believe in his existence, and hope he survives, finally it's not about oh you can't care for him because he's different, and he has a kid to boot. When the action kicks off it goes with the expected bang, but it's almost as big a step in the right direction for adult Sci-Fi as Children of Men was.
A funny, shocking, icky film with a lead character who can't help but turn to a slightly Irish hint when he begins swearing a lot, and in his situation it makes sense to throw the F-word out as agents, Nigerian gangs and aliens all hunt for your body.
It's not perfect,t he sudden change from documentary to filmic styles is jarring, and disappointing, but it knows what it's doing, and for the most part avoids the cliches head on.
8/10
How does one react when a secret screening begins with all that fun beforehand?
Well, sitting in our seats the Tristar logo appears, some whispers, then the QED logo, more whispers, we've seen them before, but where? Finally Peter Jackson Presents"
MASSIVE
FREAKING
APPLAUSE!
I whooped and I hollered like I was at the Drafthouse, and I was not ashamed nor alone, District Freaking 9, yes it was out in America already, but we'd have to wait until September 4th otherwise,
So we settled in, chuckles, claps, gasps, 'ew's, but mainly the audience just got stuck in.
The film begins with some interviews, documentary footage looking at the history of the Alien ship appearing, what happened, why the aliens were forced onto Earth, stuck in a refugee camp and treated like animals, and some nice stuff about 'what happened' that hasn't happened yet for us watching as the story plays out. Opening and staying almost completely in a documentary style for the first 30 minutes is what kills the film a bit.
We have our lead in Merwe, a normal guy with a sense of humour who is promoted because he's married to the boss' daughter, he is part of a government agency in Johannesburg who's sole purpose is working with the aliens, and the day we join him he is making them sign letters of eviction so they can be moved from the shanty town in District 9 to a smaller place, some of them seem more unwilling than others, and in it we see tempers rise and the attitudes of the MNU agents.
The use of CGI aliens and not making them monsters but sentient beings who act like you'd expect in their situation not only makes it a far superior film, but also makes it a breakthrough in sci-fi, a proper R rated CGI sci-fi that's not all about the explosions and tits, transformers, but more about social commentary and relationships between different beings, get it, it's about how we react to those different to us.
As we progress and get away from the documentary we see two radical 'prawns', an informal name for the aliens, making a weapon to attack the humans with, one that poor Mewes finds and accidentally triggers, leading him to have some side effects, and become the hunted like the Prawns, eventually hiding in District 9 with them, and making an alliance with the weapon's creator, Christopher Johnson.
And here's the best part of the film, a fully CGI character, in a film where the CGI is sadly a little lackluster, really makes you believe in his existence, and hope he survives, finally it's not about oh you can't care for him because he's different, and he has a kid to boot. When the action kicks off it goes with the expected bang, but it's almost as big a step in the right direction for adult Sci-Fi as Children of Men was.
A funny, shocking, icky film with a lead character who can't help but turn to a slightly Irish hint when he begins swearing a lot, and in his situation it makes sense to throw the F-word out as agents, Nigerian gangs and aliens all hunt for your body.
It's not perfect,t he sudden change from documentary to filmic styles is jarring, and disappointing, but it knows what it's doing, and for the most part avoids the cliches head on.
8/10
Thursday 6 August 2009
A Letter To Paramount
Dear Paramount,
Over the years you have maintained a quality that, whilst sometimes dips, was usually counter-balanced by something so amazing it's too awesome for words.
I thank you for Transformers, Stardust, Cloverfield and Hot Rod in the last few years.
However, please note that it is not acceptable to go a whole summer and offer us absolutely nothing.
Star Trek, whilst hearts and minds adored it, was a dire piece of generic trash with cliche all over, poor ideas, limited story, annoying actors and comedy for no fucking reason.
You kindly followed that up with Transformers 2.
Now, Transformers was the perfect Michael Bay vehicle, if you pardon the pun, it was big loud and dumb, but had the right amount of humour, CGI and action sequences. The sequel took out the sturdy pacing, the interesting human characters and the quality CGI, replaced it with downgraded work, robots as the only characters if any, and John Turturro in a jock strap. Now I love Mr. Quintana as much as anyone, but I don't wish to go an hour on a packed train to see his hairy arse on an IMAX screen do I?
I'm so glad that for your latest opus the cinema was empty, because GI Joe is a fucking disgrace to film.
For a film that cost, I'm hazarding a guess as $175 million, the CGI is some of the worst I have seen. You can clearly tell the greenscreened parts, the faces changing from real to Computer, heck, in one scene the face stays the same size as the camera moves away. No film needs this much CGI, and if it does, a better company should have done it, clearly the chumps you got were messing with photoshop and then printed their shit out, threw it at a car, picked it up, scanned it in, and put it to film.
If that wasn't bad enough, the dialogue was so mentally unstable I was actually hitting my head against the cinema's wall for a fair bit of time, no easy feat when sitting in the middle, heck of a run up though.
Who cast the actors too? Fucking hell, if you want a comedic sidekick, you hire someone funny, not a goddamn Wayan brother, they were barely passable in the first Scary Movie, why have you given them a damn career, with Dance Flick on the horizon, and the astonishingly bad reviews all around. Channing Tatum as the lead? He looks like a slab of meat with two satellite ears sticking out, and acts worse than he looks. Sienna Miller was a good call, but Christopher Eccleston? His Scottish accent, whilst hysterical, was so stupid it was hard to watch. All other actors were truly awful too, Dennis Quaid, what did he do to you Paramount? Poor Jonathon Pryce, why on Earth did you not stop him signing on to this, he's too good for you.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as well? That was truly mean, heck, when they were in uniform, Channing and Joseph, I thought the film had became Stop-Loss, but no, it sucked instead.
Cliches were hit all the time, and just giving flashbacks doesn't mean you care about the character, the writing needed work, like every part of the film.
You ruined an already bad summer, I thought Fox would be the bad ones, no, you ruined the summer, Fuck you.
Andrew Jones.
Over the years you have maintained a quality that, whilst sometimes dips, was usually counter-balanced by something so amazing it's too awesome for words.
I thank you for Transformers, Stardust, Cloverfield and Hot Rod in the last few years.
However, please note that it is not acceptable to go a whole summer and offer us absolutely nothing.
Star Trek, whilst hearts and minds adored it, was a dire piece of generic trash with cliche all over, poor ideas, limited story, annoying actors and comedy for no fucking reason.
You kindly followed that up with Transformers 2.
Now, Transformers was the perfect Michael Bay vehicle, if you pardon the pun, it was big loud and dumb, but had the right amount of humour, CGI and action sequences. The sequel took out the sturdy pacing, the interesting human characters and the quality CGI, replaced it with downgraded work, robots as the only characters if any, and John Turturro in a jock strap. Now I love Mr. Quintana as much as anyone, but I don't wish to go an hour on a packed train to see his hairy arse on an IMAX screen do I?
I'm so glad that for your latest opus the cinema was empty, because GI Joe is a fucking disgrace to film.
For a film that cost, I'm hazarding a guess as $175 million, the CGI is some of the worst I have seen. You can clearly tell the greenscreened parts, the faces changing from real to Computer, heck, in one scene the face stays the same size as the camera moves away. No film needs this much CGI, and if it does, a better company should have done it, clearly the chumps you got were messing with photoshop and then printed their shit out, threw it at a car, picked it up, scanned it in, and put it to film.
If that wasn't bad enough, the dialogue was so mentally unstable I was actually hitting my head against the cinema's wall for a fair bit of time, no easy feat when sitting in the middle, heck of a run up though.
Who cast the actors too? Fucking hell, if you want a comedic sidekick, you hire someone funny, not a goddamn Wayan brother, they were barely passable in the first Scary Movie, why have you given them a damn career, with Dance Flick on the horizon, and the astonishingly bad reviews all around. Channing Tatum as the lead? He looks like a slab of meat with two satellite ears sticking out, and acts worse than he looks. Sienna Miller was a good call, but Christopher Eccleston? His Scottish accent, whilst hysterical, was so stupid it was hard to watch. All other actors were truly awful too, Dennis Quaid, what did he do to you Paramount? Poor Jonathon Pryce, why on Earth did you not stop him signing on to this, he's too good for you.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as well? That was truly mean, heck, when they were in uniform, Channing and Joseph, I thought the film had became Stop-Loss, but no, it sucked instead.
Cliches were hit all the time, and just giving flashbacks doesn't mean you care about the character, the writing needed work, like every part of the film.
You ruined an already bad summer, I thought Fox would be the bad ones, no, you ruined the summer, Fuck you.
Andrew Jones.
Monday 3 August 2009
Earth and Water? This Is Madness, This Is ROMCOM!
Gerard Butler, oh Gerard, the future was so bright. After 300 we were willing to overlook P.S. I, Love You, no one should make a film with Ms. Swank anymore, especially when steady grower into an awesome film RocknRolla had you being so freaking funny and willing to debase himself with some scenes, mainly the getting the arse out and the sex scene, god that sex scene, so unbelievably graphic. Nothing like that in his latest venture, Produced and starring Knocked Up's Katherine Heigl as a woman who is human and can't find love, but film cliches say she will at the end. She's a sad story too, after the brilliant Knocked Up where she wasn't just some gal, but a full character, human to the bone, she went off and made 27 Dresses, and because she was in two big hits, now produces this film with her sister, or cousin or mother, or something.
So, one of the first R-Rated Chick Flicks for a long time, The Ugly Truth is about Heigl's TV Producer struggling to accept the bringing in of Butler's shock jock TV show host to boost ratings as he explains his misogynistic views live on air, leading to Cheryl Hines' and John Michael Higgin's married anchor-people going from hating to loving each other in one reel, ending their portion far too quickly.
Boy and Girl hate each other, must work together, and sure enough they bond as he tells her how to woo a man of her dreams kinda guy, amidst comic moments where she falls over, off a tree, and all that malarky that's genuinely cringeworthy and would be out of place if this film were aiming to make a human romance story, which it's first 20 minutes seems to believe so.
You know the big twist at the end, all the drama and everything, down to the dialogue it's all there, and it's nothing special. As an R-rated film, yes there is some vulgarities, but nothing too much, and the most raunchy part is, thankfully, the film's funniest scene, with a kid picking up what he thinks is a toy in a restaurant but is the control for a pair of vibrating undies Heigl is wearing as she presents her ideas for advertising during sweeps to the big guns. You know what's gonna happen, but it's still rather funny.
The only other times you laugh is when Butler is being a real piece of work and making sex jokes, they are childishly funny.
Sub-plots come and go, Butler's character's nephew is introduced, used a few times to make Butler a nice guy, and then disappears, Heigl's assistant had little to do, the man of her dreams does nothing until the end where he becomes and arsehole. Heck, they even have E from Entourage in it and only gives him one short scene.
It's not The Proposal calibre, but it has it's moments, and would be awful if it weren't for Gerard Butler's talents leading the way into the light of this generic mess, a shame as it could have been a really near-the-knuckle Truth About Cats And Dogs for the 21st Century, maybe in a few years someone will change rom-coms for the better by turning them on their heads, has there been a romance flick that ended with one of them murdering the other one sadistically? Maybe 2011...
6/10
So, one of the first R-Rated Chick Flicks for a long time, The Ugly Truth is about Heigl's TV Producer struggling to accept the bringing in of Butler's shock jock TV show host to boost ratings as he explains his misogynistic views live on air, leading to Cheryl Hines' and John Michael Higgin's married anchor-people going from hating to loving each other in one reel, ending their portion far too quickly.
Boy and Girl hate each other, must work together, and sure enough they bond as he tells her how to woo a man of her dreams kinda guy, amidst comic moments where she falls over, off a tree, and all that malarky that's genuinely cringeworthy and would be out of place if this film were aiming to make a human romance story, which it's first 20 minutes seems to believe so.
You know the big twist at the end, all the drama and everything, down to the dialogue it's all there, and it's nothing special. As an R-rated film, yes there is some vulgarities, but nothing too much, and the most raunchy part is, thankfully, the film's funniest scene, with a kid picking up what he thinks is a toy in a restaurant but is the control for a pair of vibrating undies Heigl is wearing as she presents her ideas for advertising during sweeps to the big guns. You know what's gonna happen, but it's still rather funny.
The only other times you laugh is when Butler is being a real piece of work and making sex jokes, they are childishly funny.
Sub-plots come and go, Butler's character's nephew is introduced, used a few times to make Butler a nice guy, and then disappears, Heigl's assistant had little to do, the man of her dreams does nothing until the end where he becomes and arsehole. Heck, they even have E from Entourage in it and only gives him one short scene.
It's not The Proposal calibre, but it has it's moments, and would be awful if it weren't for Gerard Butler's talents leading the way into the light of this generic mess, a shame as it could have been a really near-the-knuckle Truth About Cats And Dogs for the 21st Century, maybe in a few years someone will change rom-coms for the better by turning them on their heads, has there been a romance flick that ended with one of them murdering the other one sadistically? Maybe 2011...
6/10
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