My Summer Of Loath 2010

No niceties, let us begin:

Robin Hood
Ridley Scott Directing
Brian Hegeland Writing
Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt, Danny Huston, Scott Grimes, Mark Addy.

12th May
Ah, Ridley Scott. You know, I enjoyed Matchstick Men, Nic Cage was great, Sam Rockwell, well, he's Sam Rockwell, and Alison Lohman was good too. But. Well, American Gangster was alright, too long, of course, but what R. Scott film can't you say that about? Alien, meh, it's ok, Blade Runner, I bore through sometimes, it's not as amazing to me as, say, A Scanner Darkly or even the only good Spielberg flick in Minority Report, and as a sci-fi, it feels flat, tasteless, an amalgamation of ideas better worked out in countless other films. That said, the PC game was awesome.

But once more Ridley goes back in time with Body Of Lies, Gladiator, A Good Year, American Gangster star Russell Crowe to go fightin' round the world once more, this time in the time period of 1100's, in good ol' Nottingham Forest, so, that means Crowe is sportin' a northern accent, pet.

For some reason Cate Blanchett has decided to join in the, ahem, 'fun' as Maid Marian, who in the trailers sports the northern accent in a lower register than any male actor. Perhaps it's an early reinvention of The Crying Game. Well, given that it's Ridley Scott, there'll be lots of battle scenes, and of course extended periods of boredom, closing in at 2 hours 20 minutes for a film about a group of men throwing arrows at the taxman and Sheriff, well, I'd say I'll reserve judgement until I see it, but that'll be in 2012 when it's shown on TV. I don't think my mind can take such extravagant dullness.



Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time
21st May
Mike Newell Directing
Boaz Yakin
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard Writing
Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina

Donnie Darko, you know, the catcher in Brokeback, yeah, he's longened his hair and given himself some abs so he can play a Persian prince. Yeah, no, he's got an English accent because, well, Disney firmly believes that anyone who doesn't speak American must have English accents, it's the only other way an audience can comprehend what the people are saying whilst informing them these characters aren't American and don't believe in the lord almighty Obama or whatever Kool Aide cult is spreading this quarter.

I thought about it, I don't enjoy the trailers, the CGI is too hit and miss, though some shots look fine enough, and, well, it does look boring. As luck would have it, my thoughts of "I wouldn't pay to see this" were examined, and I will review it early, for free, next week, still, look at Gylly, I mean, seriously. What the hell? Good luck Disney, it'll never be another Pirates.



MacGruber
18th June
Jorma Taccone Directing
Will Forte, Jorma Taccone & John Solomon Writing
Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, Maya Rudolph, Powers Boothe, Chris Jericho, Bill Hader

This is more like it.
I'm a Forte adorer, I mean, he took time, but he totally won me over, dry, smiley, weird, hysterical. And Wiig too, the same thing, but now, I'm a Wiigist. Ryan Phillippe? Hells yeah, and what's that, Val Kilmer? Gay Perry? As a man named Dieter von Cunthe? Yeah, sure, Maya Rudolph, Bill Hader, Powers Boothe, they're, you know, nothing special. Except all are totally awesome too. Oh yes, and of course 1/3rd of the Lonely Island, Jorma Taccone is making his feature directorial debut here, he's especially awesome because he's just brilliant in everything he does too.

And it's R-rated? And it's a proper comedy with action and stuff? And it's got more chance to have smart jokes instead of one note pain as most SNL skit-turned-movies have? Count me in, way the fuck in.



Get Him To The Greek
25th June
Nicholas Stoller Writing & Directing
Russell Brand, Jonah Hill, Aziz Ansari, P. Diddy.

Remember when Forgetting Sarah Marshall came out? Suddenly there was a good non-Seth Rogen involved Apatow gang movie, don't mean to diss Walk Hard, but, well, it's not good enough next to this behemoth. So, when that film went over like mad, it seemed necessary to have some sort of sequel or spin-off, clearly. And with what turned out to be a non-annoying, in fact genuinely hilarious Russell Brand performance as Aldous Snow, famous lead singer of "Infant Sorrow" the notion of making him a central focus is lovely. Jonah Hill now plays a different character, but is forced to drag Aldous from London to LA, taking in a trip of a lifetime with him.

It's not going to change films as we perceive them, it's not in 3D, it hasn't got extensive CGI or action scenes, it's going to be 2 hours of what clearly the green AND red band trailers communicate as absolutely hysterical moments, an insane P. Diddy and some Aziz Ansari for all us Ansari fans out there, "Play it DJ Roomba!".

I honestly have this right next to MacGruber and 2 others as my ultimate must see films of this whole year. Action is for losers, quality prevails.



Shrek Forever After
2nd July
Mike Mitchell Directing
Josh Klausner and Darren Lemke Writing
Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Antonio Banderas, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Jon Hamm, Jane Lynch, Kristen Schaal, Craig Robinson

Yeah. So. There's this. You know. If you hate yourself, your children, your family, your mind, anything you hate, dump 'em here. Go see How To Train Your Dragon, Dreamworks' integrity animation, before an unnecessary sequel done got fuckin' announced.
Edit, turns out the film has changed names to Shrek: The Final Chapter, not the only colon this film is involved with I'm sure.



Knight & Day
14th July
James Mangold Directing
Patrick O'Neill Writing
Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Peter Sarsgaard, Paul Dano, Viola Davis

Oh look, Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are, like, there's a spy or something, she's, what, they say bridesmaid in the trailer. I think he's rogue or something. Yeah, but, they hate each other or like each other, there's guns and romance, I think there's romance, maybe there's no guns. Oh, and none of them are surnamed Knight or Day. Could Day have been Daye? Couldn't it have stuck with Untitled Tom Cruise Comedy? Why does James Mangold hate the cinema audiences?
Don't look to this film for answers, or, in fact, at all.



Inception
16th July
Christopher Nolan Writing & Directing
Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joeseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Michael Caine

Ok, yeah, The Dark Knight was good, The Prestige amazing, Batman Begins perfect, Memento, I need to re-watch that, I can't remember what happened (Genuine and joke in one fell swoop), I saw Chris Nolan's short "Doodlebug" once, it was only 2 minutes, it was weird, freaky and very funny. I love it when he's off the leash, and I hope this is one of the same. But if it's not, well, the trailers don't really invite us to see what we're dealing with, approach with caution, then enjoy or endure.



Toy Story 3
23rd July
Lee Unkrich Directing
Michael Arndt Writing
Tom Hanks, Time Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles, John Ratzenberger, R. Lee Ermey, Wallace Shawn, michael Keaton, Whoopi Goldberg, Timothy Dalton, Kristen Schal, Jeff Garlin, Richard Kind, Estelle Harris

Look, Pixar, we know you're good. I mean, look at you, you've done great works. But this, alongside, what, Cars 2, Monsters Inc. 2, the cancellation of the genius idea that was Newt. You're going Dreamworks. No sequels, more original ideas, have another lunch chat, make another 15 years of film ideas. Please. Sorry Mr. Unkrich, this, well, the jokes in the trailers are bad, the new characters too many and not enough in the ideas stage, the plot, same old, nothing looks good about this. I'll happily apologise for saying this later, but this could be the biggest fuck up in Pixar history. How To Train Your Dragon for Best Animated Feature Oscar!



The Karate Kid
The A-Team
28th July
Harold Zwart Directing
Christopher Murphey Writing
Jackie Chan, Jayden Smith, Taraji P. Henson

Here's a coin flip. Two 80's giants, one weekend. One a remake of a classic, now the Kung Fu Kid, with Jackie "I'm aging too much to do good films" Chan as Pat Morita, and Will Smith's annoying fucking kid as Ralph Macchio, kid becomes strong kind of dreck. Meh.


Joe Carnahan Directing
Brian Bloom, Michael Brandt and Skip Woods Writing
Liam Neeson, Sharlto Copley, Patrick Wilson, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson

The other, Joe Carnahan's tale of epic destruction featuring a rag tag trio and a series of guns all loaded with blanks, titled Plane vs Tank, so called due to the trailer abused sequence where the plane is exploded, they parachute out in a tank and The A-Team shoot down a plane with a tank, well. Take the director of Smokin' Aces, let the lead from District 9 do an excellent southern states accent, give Liam Neeson a cigar, get a butch black man to spout lines and find the big named annoying pretty boy of the era, put them together and have 3/4 of the publicity shots be solely featuring the ugly and terrible at anything Jessica Biel, and you have a problem. But then you have the trailer.
I mean.
There's a plane and tank airfight, there's some abseiling down into a window where a rocket blew up to make your entrance, there's crazy shit going down. I'm fucking there. You might want to get in line too. If it's not good, it should be fun enough to be ok.


Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
4th August
Brad Peyton Directing
Ron J. Friedman & Steve Benchich Writing
Alec Baldwin, Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Pantoliano, Roger Moore, Bette Midler, Jack McBrayer

Why?
Remember the first one?
Exactly, it was cack.
So.
Why?
Who?
3D?
No?
No.
No!
NOOOOooooooo........


Grown Ups
6th August
Dennis Dugan Directing
Adam Sandler & Fred Wolf Writing
Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Slama Hayek, Steve Buscemi, Maya Rudolph, Tim Meadows

Ok, this is totally rating dependent. It's not an R, alas, which, with Schneider, Sandler and Rock would have been awesome, but if it goes above the PG, it could be good. Kevin James is good in anything, he was the best bit, cos he tried, in Chuck and Larry, and David Spade is funny enough, Joe Dirt is a guilty little silly flick, all 5 are cool, so we have to hope it's funny, but, don't hold your breath.


The Last Airbender
Predators
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
13th August
Here's what Marti DeBergi once famously quoted as a "Shit Sandwich"
M. Night Shyamalan Writing & Directing
Dev Patel, Cliff Curtis, Randall Duk Kim, Dee Bradley Baker

Last Airbender, no Avatar cos Cameron stole the title, is Shyamalan's next film for his kids, Lady In The Water being the other one, which personally I love, I'm a Giamatti whore, yes, but it's the only entertaining and re-watchable film, even if it's cheesy, it's played for cheese pitch perfect, unlike the horrible The Happening.
The trailers looks boring, the graphics half hearted, storyline pure crap, I won't catch it, but it's not aimed for me.


Nimrod Antal Directing
Alex Litvak & Michael Finch Writing
Danny Trejo, Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Derek Mears

Then there's the Robert Rodriguez produced Predators. Adrien Brody pops into another genre with this sci-fi horror flick full of characters waiting to shoot at, then be ripped apart by, some Predators, in a jungle, whilst they fail to get to da choppa. The footage so far doesn't inspire confidence, but we have to hope it could be just fun enough to get through.


Jon Turtletaub Directing
Doug Miro & Carlo Bernard and Matt Lopez Writing
Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Monica Bellucci, Alfred Molina
(No Poster Yet)
And finally this week we see Nic Cage as a wizard, and the awesome, funny, brilliant, adorable, lovely, genius Jay Baruchel as the titular Apprentice. This looks bad, I mean, Turtletaub gave us the National Treasure shit, but jeez. I heart Baruchel, he's my man crush, and when Cage is on, he's on, but once more he looks bored, and the CGI? Eugh. Stop with the CGI.


Dinner For Schmucks
The Expendables
Piranha 3D
Salt
20th August
Jay Roach Directing
Andy Borowitz, Ken Daurio, David Guion, Michael Handelman, Danielle Kasen, Cinco Paul, Francis Veber and Jon Vitti Writing
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Jemaine Clement, Zach Galifianakis, Ron Livingston, Kristen Schaal

Ok. There's something here you know.
But before we get there, lets look at, sigh, Jay Roach's English Language remake of Le Diner De Cons, dinner For Schmucks, which I've dedicated a lot of time in a previous blog entry to.
Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, I love you guys, but, if you have no one to bounce the crazy off of, or are playing a nice guy like Rudd does, it won't work, it's crazy but sweet meets mean but sensible, that's the chemistry, the rapport, the point of the play, the film, the comedy. Making it a haphazard PG-13 summer comedy just ruins the whole point.


Sylvester Stallone Directing
Sylvester Stallone and Dave Callaham Writing
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Terry Crewes

Anyway, lets move on to THE MOST AWESOMEST THING NOT JUST THIS SUMMER BUT LIKE EVER EVERER!!!!!!
Stallone. Statham (swoons). Li. Lundergren. Stone Cold. Crewes. Rourke. Willis. Roberts. Schwazenegger.
All of these people pop in to talk about, or actually, kill bad guys, or are bad guys who kill and get killed, as a team of awesome mercenaries, fronted by the effortlessly charismatic Statham and Stallone, lead their guntoting ways to South America to stop a dictator, live for nothing or die walking away from explosions, and jumping like back in the 80's.
Nothing will stop this film from sounding awesome, and one fears it might not come out well, but fuck it, if it doesn't, the trailer rules anyway, and, well, look at the freaking cast!


Alexandre Aja Directing
Alexandre Aja, Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfiner and Gregory Levasseur Writing
Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue, Eli Roth, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss
(No Poster Yet)
Then there's Piranha 3D, a tits and gore schlock horror full of gore as Alexandre Aja knows best, he's the guy who made The Hills Have Eyes remake and Mirrors. So, we have, in 3D no less, Ving "Zombie killing mother fucker" Rhames, Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher "Where we're going, we don't need wetsuits" Lloyd! I mean, come on, the title alone wasn't enough? Now it's on the watch list, no? Hells yeah it is.


Phillip Noyce Directing
Kurt Wimmer and Brian Helgeland Writing
Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor

Then there's Salt. Chiwetel Ejiofor is in it, and Angelina Jolie isn't bad often, but, well, looks kinda bland. It's a we'll see flick.


Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World
27th August
Edgar Wright Directing
Edgar Wright & Michael Bacall Writing
Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Anna Kendrick, Brandon Routh, Alison Pill, Jason Schwartzman, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza

Edgar Wright makes a comic book movie, with Chris Evans, Mae Whitman, Annhogg from Arrested Development, Anna Kendrick, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Brandon Routh and Jason Schwartzmen among a slew of talented actors in what looks to be Wright fully loaded, the right budget, the right visual style, completely kinetic, engaging, fucking balls out insane, fun and entertaining, this will be THE PG-13 action film of the summer, A-Team can't get close to Mikey Cera fighting Superman and Johnny Storm.


The Other Guys
1st September
Adam McKay Directing
Adam McKay & Chris Hnechy Writing
Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes, Michael Keaton, Steve Coogan

Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson. A comedy about 2 detectives who aren't the top of their league, the ones who do paperwork, not stunts.
Like Cop Out, only it's guaranteed to be hysterical, comedy pedigree meets insane action.